Reason #10 Why You Should Go On A Date With Me, Katy Perry

Reason #10: I live a short walk from a 24-hour restaurant with really good queso dip.  This will matter a lot if you ever decide to come back to my place after a date--which is to say, of course, that it looks like at this rate it won't ever matter at all.

Reason #9 Why You Should Go On A Date With Me, Katy Perry

Reason #9: I hate it when people use the word "literally" when they actually mean "nearly," "figuratively," or "analogously."

Reason #8 Why You Should Go On A Date With Me, Katy Perry

Reason #8: There is leftover Taco Bell in my refrigerator right now.

Reasons #6 And #7 Why You Should Go On A Date With Me, Katy Perry

Reason #6: I envy people whose names are sentences.  Like this guy on my high school cross country team, his name was Will Bangs.  I really envied him for that.  (Note: I know your name is not a sentence, nor is mine.  I still think my envy of this sort of name is a reason you should go on a date with me.)

Reason #7: I think "early morning" is 8am-10am, "mid-morning" is 10am-12pm, and "late morning" is 12pm-2pm.

Reason #5 Why You Should Go On A Date With Me, Katy Perry

Reason #5: We're compatible in many highly important ways.  For example, you have spectacular breasts, and I'm a really big fan of spectacular breasts.  Like I said, highly important ways.

Reasons #3 And #4 Why You Should Go On A Date With Me, Katy Perry

Reason #3: I appreciate a good breakfast taco, and that is in no way a euphemism.  Seriously.

Reason #4: I have this problem where it sounds like I'm being sarcastic when I'm actually being serious and serious when I'm actually being sarcastic (see Reason #3 for an example of the former).

Reasons #1 And #2 Why you Should Go On A Date With Me, Katy Perry

Reason #1: I look good in plaid.

Reason #2: I like PBR cans, but really like PBR bottles.

Pop Sensation Katy Perry, Will You Go On A Date With Me?

Dear Katy Perry,
Let me take you back to a long ago, simple time: the summer of 2010.  And let me tell you a story from that time--an allegory, a not particularly subtle allegory, but an allegory nonetheless, and a classic one at that, maybe an archetypal one, even--about a girl--a pop-star--and a boy--a summer camp counselor--and how the summer camp counselor boy heard that pop-star girl's hit summer anthem--"Left Coast Lay-Deez," we'll call it--and from that moment on realized his deep and everlasting love for the pop-star girl, a love which he proved by spending nearly 95% of a solo drive from New England to the Deep South channel surfing radio stations trying to find Katy Per--err, I mean the pop-star girl's singles on the airwaves* (there was a second single by this point, too,which we'll call "Young Figments").  To this day the summer camp counselor boy--now gainfully employed--and the pop-star girl--still poppy, still a star--have never dated, met, or even really had their lives in any way altered by the other's existence in any meaningful way other than the summer camp counselor boy enjoying it when, in the pop-star's music videos, things shoot out of her breasts as if they are sparklers or whipped cream dispensers.  The end.

Like I said, that story is nearly an archetype--but only nearly.  But you know how the archetypal version of the story ends?  With the boy and the girl going and grabbing a bit to eat at a Thai place and then going to see a movie at a second-run theater.  So, pop icon and breast-shooter-outer Katy Perry, I think it's past time for you and me to make our story archetypal**, put aside our massive personal, cultural, and socioeconomic differences, and go on a date. How about it, then, Katy Perry--you might not be a teenaged anymore, but it's still my dream to go on a date with you.  So will you go on a date with me?

Sincerely,
A Dude You Should Date

*the other 5% of the time was spent listening to Elton John, but only because ClearChannel makes him pretty much unavoidable and the summer camp counselor boy thinks "Rocket Man" is a pretty great song.
**this may be as good a time as any to acknowledge that I've never really had a firm understanding of what the term "archetype" really means--I mean, I get it, but what differentiates an archetype from a common story other than personal preference, context, and maybe an appearance of a certain kind of story in a major literary work?

All That For Nothing, Michelle Obama?

Dear Michelle Obama,
Girl, I can't believe you didn't call. I put it all out there for you, laid it on the line, poured out my heart, and (most importantly) risked having the FBI and/or Secret Service come knocking on my door--all for what?  For nothing, that's what.

Everyone is always saying how you're our generation's Jackie O. Well let you tell me something--married women from Jackie O's generation knew how to respond to over-enthusiastic younger suitors.  They didn't ignore them.  Instead, they took them out back and had a discrete yet passionate affair and no one was the wiser.  So, Michelle Obama, people may call you our generation's Jackie O, but I know a person who knows a person who once saw Jackie O water-skiing on Martha's Vineyard, and I know another person who knows a person who knows a person who went to George Washington University with her, so (being that close to Jackie O) I feel pretty qualified to say that you are no Jackie O.

You know what you are Michelle Obama?  You're a tease.  Wearing those sleeveless dresses, always smiling at everyone (but never really meaning it), staring out at me (yes, me specifically) from your photo on the cover of Vogue Magazine with those slutty, slutty eyes.  But now I know you've just been leading me on.  And that makes me angry.  It makes me angry enough to do things.  Bad things.  And not the fun kind of bad things (like shoplifting or S&M) where bad actually means "fun," "edgy," or "cool," but actual bad things.  Things that might make you think before ever treating me like this again.  Like I said, bad things.  Look out.

Wait a minute--what's that knocking that noise?  It's only 4 pm, so it can't be my bitchy neighbor banging on the wall complaining we're being too loud as she's trying to go to sleep (but fuck you, anyway, Anna!).  No--it's definitely someone at the door.  No you can't come in! Go away. . . Hang on, do you have a warrant? . . . Woah, buddy!  There's no need for that--put the gun away! . . . Yes, I asked FLOTUS out . . . No, it wasn't like that.  I didn't mean the threats . . . No, seriously, it's just a blog. No one even reads it anyway . . . Wait--did I just hear you say Guantanamo? . . . Heeeeeeeelp!

Sincerely,
A Dude You Should Date

Reasons #9 And #10 Why You Should Go On A Date With Me, Michelle Obama

Reason #9: I know all the rules to The West Wing Drinking Game.

Reason #10: It would lock up my vote for your husband's 2012 re-election campaign.  And every vote counts!