Reason #10 Why You Should Go On A Date With Me, Regina Spektor

Reason #10: I let my morals inform my actions.  For example, after reading enough Michael Pollan, Eric Schlosser, and Jonathan Safran Foer to fill a small library, I was convinced to become a vegetarian--almost.  The only times I betray my conscience on this issue are when I'm really drunk, something with meat in it looks really good, or I'm really craving meat protein.  So, like I said, my morals inform my actions--sometimes, at least.

Reason #9 Why You Should Go On A Date With Me, Regina Spektor

Reason #9: I own the complete Blue Planet and Planet Earth series on DVD.  This might not matter much early on in our relationship, but it's pretty much perfect for dates three-through-five--you know, the ones where you're still in the honey moon phase and have decided you just want to make dinner at one of your apartments, split a six-pack of St. Pauli Girl, and cuddle under a blanket on the couch.  These DVDs give us a perfect excuse to do that.

Reason #8 Why You Should Go On A Date With Me, Regina Spektor

Reason #8: If I could have a beer and a basket of jalapeño poppers with any entertainer, it would be Tom Waits.  And if I could have ten beers and spend a night out carousing with any entertainer, it would be Mickey Mantle.  But if I could have 119 beers and then pass out in a hotel hallway with any entertainer, it would be Andre the Giant.

Reason #7 Why You Should Go On A Date With Me, Regina Spektor

Reason #7: I eat healthy. Despite it being "the busy season" at work, I've only made frozen pizza for dinner three times in the last two weeks. 

Reasons #5 And #6 Why You Should Go On A Date With Me, Regina Spektor

Reason #5:  I'm really good with kids.  I worked at a summer camp for 7 years and only hit a kid in the balls once.

Reason #6: I think anything can be made better if you line it with flannel.

Reasons #3 And #4 Why You Should Go On A Date With Me, Regina Spektor

Reason #3: You're Russian, and I appreciate other cultures. Like this one time when I lived in San Diego, I went out to a tequila bar on Cinco de Mayo and appreciated Mexican culture so hard that I had to get off my bike and puke on my way to the bus stop that got me to school the next morning.  So I feel like I really get the significance that holiday holds for all Mexicans (and, by extension, the significance that all holidays hold for all of the "other") is what I'm saying.

Reason #4: One of the defining characteristics of your music is that you're fascinated by the sounds you can make with your voice.    One of the defining characteristics of my life is that I'm fascinated by the sound of my voice.

Reason #2 Why You Should Go On A Date With Me, Regina Spektor

Reason #2: My favorite herb is cilantro.  This has nothing to do with you, your art, or anything you've ever stated publicly about your herb-related preferences, but I do think it demonstrates my good taste and upbringing.

Reason #1 Why You Should Go On A Date With Me, Regina Spektor

Reason#1: As was mentioned previously, I respect women.  But I especially respect female musicians.  Two nights ago a friend pulled up some Alanis Morissette and Jewel tracks back to back on Grooveshark, and I neither vomited in my mouth nor put my foot through the monitor of her computer.

Adorable Anti-Folk Musician Regina Spektor: Will You Go On A Date With Me?

Dear Regina Spektor,
Let me, like you often do in your songs, tell a story: The fall of my junior year of undergrad was a dark time.  My girlfriend at the time was studying abroad halfway around the world, I had put in a lackluster summer of base training and thus was having a shitty cross country season, and the two guys I was living with were--while very good friends--highly indulgent of all my worst instincts.  Typical weekday nights living with these guys went as follows:

Me: Roommate #1, what are you up to tonight?
Roommate #1: Eh, not much.  I have this paper due Friday, but I'll probably put it off for another couple days . . . ?
Me: Roommate #2?
Roommate #2: Yeah, not much either.  A couple quizzes later this week, but nothing huge . . . ?
Me: Wanna get drunk?
Roommates #1 and #2: Yes!

We would then proceed to the grocery store in Roommate #1s uninsured and unregistered pickup truck which he had bought for $900 in Boise, Idaho earlier that summer, buy a 30-rack of whatever was cheapest (usually Keystone Light), and return to our apartment where we would listen to The Band's "The Night They Drove Old Dixie Down" on repeat until we finished the 30-rack or all passed out (whichever came first).  Weekend nights were very similar, except we would listen to "The Night They Drove Old Dixie Down" on repeat before going to a house party where we would all unsuccessfully hit on girls, and then return home to finish whatever alcohol we had in our fridge/cabinets or all pass out (whichever came first).

But this was before we discovered you, Regina.  "The Night They Drove Old Dixie Down" is undoubtedly a great song, but is also depressing as shit. Unbeknownst to us, it was that song that was bring us down.  One day, though, I got home from a Tuesday night screening of Robert Altman's Nashville (tagline: "The damndest thing you ever saw") for a course on post-studio system Hollywood, and Roommate #1--incredibly excited--gestured me over next to him on the couch and said, "Watch this!"

This, for those of you too lazy to click the link, was the music video for Regina Spektor's "Fidelity."  It's a gorgeous story about how a girl (Ms Spektor, assumedly) used to never give herself up fully in relationships and also was never truly happy, and only became happy when she invested herself completely in her love.  It's shot in color but the set and costumes are almost entirely black and white--until her love interest shows up.  The video ends with her and the (quite attractive) man having an almost-snowball fight--except instead of snowballs they're throwing handfuls of brightly-colored chalk at each other.  It's kinda like Holi, the Hindi holiday, and it's absolutely adorable.

Anyway, we watched this video tens of times over the remaining couple months of the semester, and listened to the song an exponential amount more.  "Fidelity," along with several cuts by Hot Chip, Girl Talk, and Journey's "Don't Stop Believing," turned our semester around.  We all got way less sad, passed all of our classes (which was really in doubt for Roommate #1 for a while), and even started hitting on girls with a little bit more success.

So, what I'm saying here, Regina, is that I really think you get me.  And I really think I get you.  And, on the basis of this, I bet if we took the time to get to know each other, we would get along really well.  So, Ms Spektor, would you do me the honor of going on a date with me?  There are a few really good barbecue places in my town, and you strike me as the type of girl who really appreciates a good brisket (I'm pretty much a  vegetarian, but a lot of the good BBQ places around here have some really good veggie sides--black beans, mac and cheese, fried okra, and whatnot), so we would probably go to one of them.  So, if you're down, go ahead and drop me a line at dudeyoushoulddate@gmail.com.

Sincerely,
A Dude You Should Date

Well, Mila Kunis, We Had A Good (Lack Of A) Run, There

Dear Mila Kunis,
I see how it is--have just one Hollywood superstar call you "hot lips" during the Golden Globes and you decide you're too big a deal to go on a date with a rank-and-file fan.  But that's fine.  While you have to slog away by going to the office every day "voice acting" gigs (because nobody wants to see your ugly mug) for shows that I've never heard of (Family Guy?  Sounds lame) I'm living the dream--two roommates, two jobs, and the sock puppet of love to keep me company at night.  That's right.  I.  Don't.  Need.  You.

So go ahead, keep thinking you're better than me, keep thinking that Macaulay Culkin wasn't as good as it's going to get, keep thinking that brighter days are right around the corner.  But I know, and you will eventually discover, that some day--some day when you're old and alone with just your millions upon millions of dollars and incredible good looks to keep you company--that this is a missed chance for you.  Because it's not every day you get offered the chance to go on a date with a neurotic, insecure Jew who, if the night goes well, might see if you're interested in letting him stick his small, erratically-performing penis inside you.  After all, Woody Allen can't have long for this earth.  And since you've already closed this door that might just be the only opportunity you have left.

So have a nice life, hot lips.

Sincerely,
A Dude You Should Date

Reason #10 Why You Should Go On A Date With Me, Mila Kunis

Reason 10: I made an omelette for breakfast this morning.  You know how when you make omelettes they usually fall apart when you flip them and you end up with a scramble instead?  Well mine didn't.  No big deal.

Reason #9 Why You Should Go On A Date With Me, Mila Kunis

Reason 9: Predictability is important, and I'm highly predictable.  You will always be able to count on my behavior being erratic.  And usually offensive, too (as I'm sure you can tell, because, you know, I have this blog).

Reasons #7 And #8 Why You Should Go On A Date With Me, Mila Kunis

Reason #7: I have impeccable taste in music.  For example, I am 100% guaranteed to like any song that has handclaps, gunshots, or children singing the chorus.

Reason #8: I ponder life's big questions.  Just today I spent several hours pondering whether we are in the golden age of "(Female's Name) and the (Nouns)" band names (Grace Potter and the Nocturnals and Florence and the Machine!), and an additional while wondering if I were a musical instrument which one I would be (results inconclusive).

Reasons #5 And #6 Why You Should Go On A Date With Me, Mila Kunis

Reason #5: You recently revealed that for many years you were blind in one eye due to a chronic case of iritis.  My friends will all tell you I have been blinded for many years by a chronic case of "I'mrightis."

Reason #6: I like bad puns (see above).

Reasons #2-4 Why You Should Go On A Date With Me, Mila Kunis

iReason #2: We both know how to have a good time:  When asked by Australia's The Daily Telegraph what your perfect day would be, you responded, "It would be going for a swim, lazing around the house, playing with my dogs, drinking a root beer float, catching up on TiVo, having some food, a glass of wine and calling it a night."  And I frequently spend free evenings writing this blog (woo-hoo!).

Reason #3: We're both huge dorks: you play World of Warcraft.  And I write this blog.

Reason #4: We have similar maturity levels.  In 2008 you told FoxNews that your "brain mentality is the same as a 12-year-old little boy."  As is mine, as I'm sure you can tell, since I write this blog.

Reason #1 Why You Should Go On A Date With Me, Mila Kunis

Reason #1: We both had difficult childhoods.  You moved from Russia to Los Angeles, enrolled in the second grade without knowing a word of English, and "came home and cried everyday."  I grew up in a rural New England town, was enrolled in a special multi-age classroom with three teachers including a state teacher of the year finalist, and didn't even have basic cable until I was 9.

Update: Rejected By Gabriele Anderson

GabrieleAnde Gabriele Anderson

@DudeUShouldDate i am flattered, really, but i generally do not accept dates with anonymous men. i prefer dudes in real life!

6 Jan Favorite Retweet Reply

Breakout Hollywood Star Mila Kunis: Will You Go On A Date With Me?

Dear Mila Kunis,
I saw Black Swan the other week and thought your performance was great.  Especially the part where you accused Natalie Portman of having a "lezzie fantasy" about you, and then asked her if you were any good.  It was pretty much the most adorable thing that anyone has ever said that has given me a hard-on.

So, after I saw that Black Swan, I kinda developed a little (read: large-to-quite-large) crush on you.  It's important to note that this crush, while certainly silly and quixotic, is also authentic and deep, and exists entirely independently of the fact that I associate you with that heartbreaking wench of a co-star of yours, Natalie Portman, who you hardcore smooched (and then some!) in the aforementioned film.  (And, not that I'm being intrusively or creepily harping on this, or anything--and this question is not to in any way to diminish how authentic and deep my crush on you is--but kissing Natalie had to have been pretty awesome, right?)

So, anyway, Mila (is it okay if I call you Mila?), I think we should go out--wanna go on a date with me some time?  I know a couple places I think you would like, and, girl, you know I'll treat you right.  So whaddaya say?  Holler back some time, then we'll figure out the details of the first night of the rest of your life.

Best regards,
A Dude you Should Date

Well, Gabriele Anderson, I Guess This Is Goodbye

Dear Gabriele Anderson,
That's cool.  I can take a hint.  Like how you haven't emailed.  Or how you never retweeted any of my tweets followed by an LOL, ROTFLOL, LMFAO, or even just a WTF?!?!?.  Or (perhaps more tellingly) like how you haven't taken me up on my offer and actually said you would go on a date with me (yet?), or how you haven't really even acknowledged my existence at all.

Of course, I can take solace in the fact that the reason you haven't accepted my offer is probably that you don't know I exist. I mean, as of this writing, I only have 15 Twitter followers, of whom about, oh, 13 (or so) are some kind of bot or at least generate their "following" list algorithmically. And there hasn't been even a single comment on this blog.  So as far as I know I basically shouted this "ask out" into the void (wait--that's how I chose to try to console myself?  Wow . . .), which  means you didn't really reject me so much as just not hear me, right?  Right . . . ?

So, like I said, I can take a hint.  I mean, if after all this time--and all these highly compelling reasons why you should go on a date with me--you still aren't interested, I guess it's time to take a deep breath, cut my losses, lick my wounds, and just move on.  So that's what I'm gonna do (although Gabby--it's cool if I call you Gabby, right?--baby--and it's cool if I call you baby, too, right?--if you ever change your mind, my email address is at the top of the blog).

Sincerely,
A Dude You Should Date

Reason #10 Why You Should Go On A Date With Me, Gabriele Anderson

Reason #10: We have a shared interest in service and civic duty, which you have acted upon by pursuing a Master's degree in Public Policy and I have acted upon by only forgetting to send in my absentee ballot once.

Reason #9 Why You Should Go On A Date With Me, Gabriele Anderson

Reason #9: I know the best coffee shop in my city (in fact, I'm there right now).  I could take you there, and I bet we would have a good time.

Reasons #7 And #8 Why You Should Go On A Date With Me, Gabriele Anderson

Reason #7: I once went as Winnie the Pooh for Halloween.  When I was 20.

Reason #8: I have amazing self-control.  On at least two or three occasions I can think of I didn't eat the last slice of pizza in the box even though I really wanted to.