All That For Nothing, Michelle Obama?

Dear Michelle Obama,
Girl, I can't believe you didn't call. I put it all out there for you, laid it on the line, poured out my heart, and (most importantly) risked having the FBI and/or Secret Service come knocking on my door--all for what?  For nothing, that's what.

Everyone is always saying how you're our generation's Jackie O. Well let you tell me something--married women from Jackie O's generation knew how to respond to over-enthusiastic younger suitors.  They didn't ignore them.  Instead, they took them out back and had a discrete yet passionate affair and no one was the wiser.  So, Michelle Obama, people may call you our generation's Jackie O, but I know a person who knows a person who once saw Jackie O water-skiing on Martha's Vineyard, and I know another person who knows a person who knows a person who went to George Washington University with her, so (being that close to Jackie O) I feel pretty qualified to say that you are no Jackie O.

You know what you are Michelle Obama?  You're a tease.  Wearing those sleeveless dresses, always smiling at everyone (but never really meaning it), staring out at me (yes, me specifically) from your photo on the cover of Vogue Magazine with those slutty, slutty eyes.  But now I know you've just been leading me on.  And that makes me angry.  It makes me angry enough to do things.  Bad things.  And not the fun kind of bad things (like shoplifting or S&M) where bad actually means "fun," "edgy," or "cool," but actual bad things.  Things that might make you think before ever treating me like this again.  Like I said, bad things.  Look out.

Wait a minute--what's that knocking that noise?  It's only 4 pm, so it can't be my bitchy neighbor banging on the wall complaining we're being too loud as she's trying to go to sleep (but fuck you, anyway, Anna!).  No--it's definitely someone at the door.  No you can't come in! Go away. . . Hang on, do you have a warrant? . . . Woah, buddy!  There's no need for that--put the gun away! . . . Yes, I asked FLOTUS out . . . No, it wasn't like that.  I didn't mean the threats . . . No, seriously, it's just a blog. No one even reads it anyway . . . Wait--did I just hear you say Guantanamo? . . . Heeeeeeeelp!

Sincerely,
A Dude You Should Date