All That For Nothing, Michelle Obama?

Dear Michelle Obama,
Girl, I can't believe you didn't call. I put it all out there for you, laid it on the line, poured out my heart, and (most importantly) risked having the FBI and/or Secret Service come knocking on my door--all for what?  For nothing, that's what.

Everyone is always saying how you're our generation's Jackie O. Well let you tell me something--married women from Jackie O's generation knew how to respond to over-enthusiastic younger suitors.  They didn't ignore them.  Instead, they took them out back and had a discrete yet passionate affair and no one was the wiser.  So, Michelle Obama, people may call you our generation's Jackie O, but I know a person who knows a person who once saw Jackie O water-skiing on Martha's Vineyard, and I know another person who knows a person who knows a person who went to George Washington University with her, so (being that close to Jackie O) I feel pretty qualified to say that you are no Jackie O.

You know what you are Michelle Obama?  You're a tease.  Wearing those sleeveless dresses, always smiling at everyone (but never really meaning it), staring out at me (yes, me specifically) from your photo on the cover of Vogue Magazine with those slutty, slutty eyes.  But now I know you've just been leading me on.  And that makes me angry.  It makes me angry enough to do things.  Bad things.  And not the fun kind of bad things (like shoplifting or S&M) where bad actually means "fun," "edgy," or "cool," but actual bad things.  Things that might make you think before ever treating me like this again.  Like I said, bad things.  Look out.

Wait a minute--what's that knocking that noise?  It's only 4 pm, so it can't be my bitchy neighbor banging on the wall complaining we're being too loud as she's trying to go to sleep (but fuck you, anyway, Anna!).  No--it's definitely someone at the door.  No you can't come in! Go away. . . Hang on, do you have a warrant? . . . Woah, buddy!  There's no need for that--put the gun away! . . . Yes, I asked FLOTUS out . . . No, it wasn't like that.  I didn't mean the threats . . . No, seriously, it's just a blog. No one even reads it anyway . . . Wait--did I just hear you say Guantanamo? . . . Heeeeeeeelp!

Sincerely,
A Dude You Should Date

Reasons #9 And #10 Why You Should Go On A Date With Me, Michelle Obama

Reason #9: I know all the rules to The West Wing Drinking Game.

Reason #10: It would lock up my vote for your husband's 2012 re-election campaign.  And every vote counts!

Reasons #6-8 Why You Should Go On A Date With Me, Michelle Obama

Reason #6: I drive a mini-van.

Reason #7: I know a couple trustworthy babysitters.

Reason #8: We care about the same issues.  Your husband signed healthcare reform into law; I wrote a letter to my Senator about it.  You planted an organic garden on the Whitehouse lawn; I often buy my lunch at Whole Foods.You have an anti-childhood obesity initiative, and I eat every take-and-bake Safeway pizza I can get my hands on to keep those horrible, horrible calories away from the children.

Reason #5 Why You Should Go On A Date With Me, Michelle Obama

Reason #5: In high school I made my All-Conference baseball team--twice.  But don't worry, I won't let it go to my head.

Reason #4 Why You Should Go On A Date With Me, Michelle Obama

Reason #4: I work in a warehouse.

Reasons #1-3 Why You Should Go On A Date With Me, Michelle Obama

Reason #1: I would call you FLOTUS.

Reason #2: Camp David is totally overrated.

Reason #3: I appreciate sexy arms.

First Lady Michelle Obama, Will You Go On A Date With Me?

Dear First Lady Michelle Obama,
It must be hard to be the President's wife.  All of his going to G-20 conferences and rushing off to the Situation Room must really put some strain on your relationship.  Not to mention, the fact that your husband is commonly referred to as "the most powerful man in the world" almost has to make him an absolute terror to deal with in the bedroom.

So don't you think it's time you did something for yourself?  Like holing up with a 25-year-old in some Adams Morgan loft apartment, drinking a cup of chamomile tea and watching the end of the Washington, DC winter slip away out the window?  The Secret Service won't tell the President (I learned this from watching The West Wing, when Zoey's agent wouldn't tell President Bartlet what his daughter was up to at Georgetown), and I think we would really get along.  Not that we have, well, really anything in common.  But we're both Americans, dammit, and isn't that all that matters?

So, how bout it, Michelle?  There's a long and illustrious history of American Presidents' affairs--don't you think it's about time the First Lady wrote a chapter?

Sincerely,
A Dude You Should Date