Pop Sensation Katy Perry, Will You Go On A Date With Me?

Dear Katy Perry,
Let me take you back to a long ago, simple time: the summer of 2010.  And let me tell you a story from that time--an allegory, a not particularly subtle allegory, but an allegory nonetheless, and a classic one at that, maybe an archetypal one, even--about a girl--a pop-star--and a boy--a summer camp counselor--and how the summer camp counselor boy heard that pop-star girl's hit summer anthem--"Left Coast Lay-Deez," we'll call it--and from that moment on realized his deep and everlasting love for the pop-star girl, a love which he proved by spending nearly 95% of a solo drive from New England to the Deep South channel surfing radio stations trying to find Katy Per--err, I mean the pop-star girl's singles on the airwaves* (there was a second single by this point, too,which we'll call "Young Figments").  To this day the summer camp counselor boy--now gainfully employed--and the pop-star girl--still poppy, still a star--have never dated, met, or even really had their lives in any way altered by the other's existence in any meaningful way other than the summer camp counselor boy enjoying it when, in the pop-star's music videos, things shoot out of her breasts as if they are sparklers or whipped cream dispensers.  The end.

Like I said, that story is nearly an archetype--but only nearly.  But you know how the archetypal version of the story ends?  With the boy and the girl going and grabbing a bit to eat at a Thai place and then going to see a movie at a second-run theater.  So, pop icon and breast-shooter-outer Katy Perry, I think it's past time for you and me to make our story archetypal**, put aside our massive personal, cultural, and socioeconomic differences, and go on a date. How about it, then, Katy Perry--you might not be a teenaged anymore, but it's still my dream to go on a date with you.  So will you go on a date with me?

Sincerely,
A Dude You Should Date

*the other 5% of the time was spent listening to Elton John, but only because ClearChannel makes him pretty much unavoidable and the summer camp counselor boy thinks "Rocket Man" is a pretty great song.
**this may be as good a time as any to acknowledge that I've never really had a firm understanding of what the term "archetype" really means--I mean, I get it, but what differentiates an archetype from a common story other than personal preference, context, and maybe an appearance of a certain kind of story in a major literary work?

First Lady Michelle Obama, Will You Go On A Date With Me?

Dear First Lady Michelle Obama,
It must be hard to be the President's wife.  All of his going to G-20 conferences and rushing off to the Situation Room must really put some strain on your relationship.  Not to mention, the fact that your husband is commonly referred to as "the most powerful man in the world" almost has to make him an absolute terror to deal with in the bedroom.

So don't you think it's time you did something for yourself?  Like holing up with a 25-year-old in some Adams Morgan loft apartment, drinking a cup of chamomile tea and watching the end of the Washington, DC winter slip away out the window?  The Secret Service won't tell the President (I learned this from watching The West Wing, when Zoey's agent wouldn't tell President Bartlet what his daughter was up to at Georgetown), and I think we would really get along.  Not that we have, well, really anything in common.  But we're both Americans, dammit, and isn't that all that matters?

So, how bout it, Michelle?  There's a long and illustrious history of American Presidents' affairs--don't you think it's about time the First Lady wrote a chapter?

Sincerely,
A Dude You Should Date

Fellow Portland-Native Anna Kendrick, Will You Go On A Date With Me

Dear Anna Kendrick,
If you read any of my other celebrity ask-out letters you'll notice that they're written in a style that my freshman Comp professor would have described as extravagant (he used this phrase to describe Thoreau's writing, and then gave a mini-lecture about the Latin roots of the word--if I remember correctly extra is derived from externus, which meant "outside" or "outer", and vagant is derived from vaga, which meant "to wander"--and how writing in this style was a way of making form and function match . . . but I digress--extravagantly).

What I'm trying to say, here, Ms Kendrick, is that while asking out other celebrities I may have done a bit of proverbial "beating around the bush," but you're a Maine girl, and I'm a Maine boy, and if there's one thing I know about Maine girls as a Maine boy it's that if there's one thing Maine girls appreciate it's directness (well, that and Bean Boots, Sea Dog's Blue Paw blueberry wheat beer, and Red Sox outfielder Jacoby Ellsbury)*.  So with you I'm just going to be direct:


Anna Kendrick (or AK-47, as I would imagine you've been called by friends since you were about 11), you wanna go on a date with me?  If you want to go to a Portland institution we could do the Great Lost Bear; if you want to hit somewhere new(ish) near your old Deering High School stomping grounds we could go to Siano's Brick Oven Pizza (the original Deering Center one, obviously--my younger sister works there and it's way better than both of their newer locations); and if you want to go to an absolute dive we could hit Bubba's Sulky Lounge or Old Port Tavern Billiards (I recommend the latter--we're less likely to get knifed there).  So whaddaya say--I think we both would have had better times than we actually had at our respective proms (Deering '03 and Waynflete '04) if we had just gone with each other instead of whoever we went with (I'm gonna guess you went with a baseball player--Ryan Flaherty, maybe?), but while we can't change the past, as Gramps taught Brother Bear in The Bearenstain Bears and the Trouble at School, it's never too late to correct a mistake, so it's past time for us to start making up for lost time.

So, that was me--several em dashes nested within parentheses, three full paragraphs, and thirty-five minutes of writing after starting on my celebrity ask-out letter to you--being direct.  I'll be expecting your call (or, rather, email or Twitter, since I don't have a phone number anywhere on this blog) any minute now.

Sincerely,
A Dude You Should Date


*So what it seems like I'm really saying here is that I don't know anything about Maine girls (or likely any sort of girls).  And also that I love convoluted sentence structures (that's not so much explicitly stated as it is implied).

Adorable Anti-Folk Musician Regina Spektor: Will You Go On A Date With Me?

Dear Regina Spektor,
Let me, like you often do in your songs, tell a story: The fall of my junior year of undergrad was a dark time.  My girlfriend at the time was studying abroad halfway around the world, I had put in a lackluster summer of base training and thus was having a shitty cross country season, and the two guys I was living with were--while very good friends--highly indulgent of all my worst instincts.  Typical weekday nights living with these guys went as follows:

Me: Roommate #1, what are you up to tonight?
Roommate #1: Eh, not much.  I have this paper due Friday, but I'll probably put it off for another couple days . . . ?
Me: Roommate #2?
Roommate #2: Yeah, not much either.  A couple quizzes later this week, but nothing huge . . . ?
Me: Wanna get drunk?
Roommates #1 and #2: Yes!

We would then proceed to the grocery store in Roommate #1s uninsured and unregistered pickup truck which he had bought for $900 in Boise, Idaho earlier that summer, buy a 30-rack of whatever was cheapest (usually Keystone Light), and return to our apartment where we would listen to The Band's "The Night They Drove Old Dixie Down" on repeat until we finished the 30-rack or all passed out (whichever came first).  Weekend nights were very similar, except we would listen to "The Night They Drove Old Dixie Down" on repeat before going to a house party where we would all unsuccessfully hit on girls, and then return home to finish whatever alcohol we had in our fridge/cabinets or all pass out (whichever came first).

But this was before we discovered you, Regina.  "The Night They Drove Old Dixie Down" is undoubtedly a great song, but is also depressing as shit. Unbeknownst to us, it was that song that was bring us down.  One day, though, I got home from a Tuesday night screening of Robert Altman's Nashville (tagline: "The damndest thing you ever saw") for a course on post-studio system Hollywood, and Roommate #1--incredibly excited--gestured me over next to him on the couch and said, "Watch this!"

This, for those of you too lazy to click the link, was the music video for Regina Spektor's "Fidelity."  It's a gorgeous story about how a girl (Ms Spektor, assumedly) used to never give herself up fully in relationships and also was never truly happy, and only became happy when she invested herself completely in her love.  It's shot in color but the set and costumes are almost entirely black and white--until her love interest shows up.  The video ends with her and the (quite attractive) man having an almost-snowball fight--except instead of snowballs they're throwing handfuls of brightly-colored chalk at each other.  It's kinda like Holi, the Hindi holiday, and it's absolutely adorable.

Anyway, we watched this video tens of times over the remaining couple months of the semester, and listened to the song an exponential amount more.  "Fidelity," along with several cuts by Hot Chip, Girl Talk, and Journey's "Don't Stop Believing," turned our semester around.  We all got way less sad, passed all of our classes (which was really in doubt for Roommate #1 for a while), and even started hitting on girls with a little bit more success.

So, what I'm saying here, Regina, is that I really think you get me.  And I really think I get you.  And, on the basis of this, I bet if we took the time to get to know each other, we would get along really well.  So, Ms Spektor, would you do me the honor of going on a date with me?  There are a few really good barbecue places in my town, and you strike me as the type of girl who really appreciates a good brisket (I'm pretty much a  vegetarian, but a lot of the good BBQ places around here have some really good veggie sides--black beans, mac and cheese, fried okra, and whatnot), so we would probably go to one of them.  So, if you're down, go ahead and drop me a line at dudeyoushoulddate@gmail.com.

Sincerely,
A Dude You Should Date

Breakout Hollywood Star Mila Kunis: Will You Go On A Date With Me?

Dear Mila Kunis,
I saw Black Swan the other week and thought your performance was great.  Especially the part where you accused Natalie Portman of having a "lezzie fantasy" about you, and then asked her if you were any good.  It was pretty much the most adorable thing that anyone has ever said that has given me a hard-on.

So, after I saw that Black Swan, I kinda developed a little (read: large-to-quite-large) crush on you.  It's important to note that this crush, while certainly silly and quixotic, is also authentic and deep, and exists entirely independently of the fact that I associate you with that heartbreaking wench of a co-star of yours, Natalie Portman, who you hardcore smooched (and then some!) in the aforementioned film.  (And, not that I'm being intrusively or creepily harping on this, or anything--and this question is not to in any way to diminish how authentic and deep my crush on you is--but kissing Natalie had to have been pretty awesome, right?)

So, anyway, Mila (is it okay if I call you Mila?), I think we should go out--wanna go on a date with me some time?  I know a couple places I think you would like, and, girl, you know I'll treat you right.  So whaddaya say?  Holler back some time, then we'll figure out the details of the first night of the rest of your life.

Best regards,
A Dude you Should Date

Professional Runner Gabriele Anderson: Will You Go On A Date With Me?

Dear Gabriele Anderson,
You don't know me (in fact, we've never even met in person), so you're probably not aware that I have a pretty massive crush on you.  You're cute, good at what you do (read: running super-fast), and, from interviews I've seen, seem like a young woman who, if you will pardon the expression, has her shit together.

While you almost certainly aren't aware of my crush on you, you may be aware that viral romantic interactions are sort of in right now (see this link for details).  As such, I've decided to capitalize on this trend, and ask you out, but in the wussiest way possible: by letting the internet do it for me.

So, umm, Gabriele Anderson, will you, uhh, like, go on a date with me?

If you see this and are against it or on the fence, well, I definitely understand that.  After all, the internet is full of some pretty bizarre dudes hiding behind faceless user names, so how can you know I'm not a weirdo--some kind of con artist, a serial killer, or (worst of all) an amateur mime?  However, in order to assuage your fears and prove to you that I am not, in fact, any of those things (or any kind of weirdo other than the kind that attempts to ask you out virally), and am instead the kind of person you would want to go on a date with, I intend to use this space to, over the next few days, tell you why you should go out with me.  So stay tuned, and hopefully be convinced.

Best regards,
A Dude You Should Date