Well, Mila Kunis, We Had A Good (Lack Of A) Run, There

Dear Mila Kunis,
I see how it is--have just one Hollywood superstar call you "hot lips" during the Golden Globes and you decide you're too big a deal to go on a date with a rank-and-file fan.  But that's fine.  While you have to slog away by going to the office every day "voice acting" gigs (because nobody wants to see your ugly mug) for shows that I've never heard of (Family Guy?  Sounds lame) I'm living the dream--two roommates, two jobs, and the sock puppet of love to keep me company at night.  That's right.  I.  Don't.  Need.  You.

So go ahead, keep thinking you're better than me, keep thinking that Macaulay Culkin wasn't as good as it's going to get, keep thinking that brighter days are right around the corner.  But I know, and you will eventually discover, that some day--some day when you're old and alone with just your millions upon millions of dollars and incredible good looks to keep you company--that this is a missed chance for you.  Because it's not every day you get offered the chance to go on a date with a neurotic, insecure Jew who, if the night goes well, might see if you're interested in letting him stick his small, erratically-performing penis inside you.  After all, Woody Allen can't have long for this earth.  And since you've already closed this door that might just be the only opportunity you have left.

So have a nice life, hot lips.

Sincerely,
A Dude You Should Date

Reason #10 Why You Should Go On A Date With Me, Mila Kunis

Reason 10: I made an omelette for breakfast this morning.  You know how when you make omelettes they usually fall apart when you flip them and you end up with a scramble instead?  Well mine didn't.  No big deal.

Reason #9 Why You Should Go On A Date With Me, Mila Kunis

Reason 9: Predictability is important, and I'm highly predictable.  You will always be able to count on my behavior being erratic.  And usually offensive, too (as I'm sure you can tell, because, you know, I have this blog).

Reasons #7 And #8 Why You Should Go On A Date With Me, Mila Kunis

Reason #7: I have impeccable taste in music.  For example, I am 100% guaranteed to like any song that has handclaps, gunshots, or children singing the chorus.

Reason #8: I ponder life's big questions.  Just today I spent several hours pondering whether we are in the golden age of "(Female's Name) and the (Nouns)" band names (Grace Potter and the Nocturnals and Florence and the Machine!), and an additional while wondering if I were a musical instrument which one I would be (results inconclusive).

Reasons #5 And #6 Why You Should Go On A Date With Me, Mila Kunis

Reason #5: You recently revealed that for many years you were blind in one eye due to a chronic case of iritis.  My friends will all tell you I have been blinded for many years by a chronic case of "I'mrightis."

Reason #6: I like bad puns (see above).

Reasons #2-4 Why You Should Go On A Date With Me, Mila Kunis

iReason #2: We both know how to have a good time:  When asked by Australia's The Daily Telegraph what your perfect day would be, you responded, "It would be going for a swim, lazing around the house, playing with my dogs, drinking a root beer float, catching up on TiVo, having some food, a glass of wine and calling it a night."  And I frequently spend free evenings writing this blog (woo-hoo!).

Reason #3: We're both huge dorks: you play World of Warcraft.  And I write this blog.

Reason #4: We have similar maturity levels.  In 2008 you told FoxNews that your "brain mentality is the same as a 12-year-old little boy."  As is mine, as I'm sure you can tell, since I write this blog.

Reason #1 Why You Should Go On A Date With Me, Mila Kunis

Reason #1: We both had difficult childhoods.  You moved from Russia to Los Angeles, enrolled in the second grade without knowing a word of English, and "came home and cried everyday."  I grew up in a rural New England town, was enrolled in a special multi-age classroom with three teachers including a state teacher of the year finalist, and didn't even have basic cable until I was 9.

Breakout Hollywood Star Mila Kunis: Will You Go On A Date With Me?

Dear Mila Kunis,
I saw Black Swan the other week and thought your performance was great.  Especially the part where you accused Natalie Portman of having a "lezzie fantasy" about you, and then asked her if you were any good.  It was pretty much the most adorable thing that anyone has ever said that has given me a hard-on.

So, after I saw that Black Swan, I kinda developed a little (read: large-to-quite-large) crush on you.  It's important to note that this crush, while certainly silly and quixotic, is also authentic and deep, and exists entirely independently of the fact that I associate you with that heartbreaking wench of a co-star of yours, Natalie Portman, who you hardcore smooched (and then some!) in the aforementioned film.  (And, not that I'm being intrusively or creepily harping on this, or anything--and this question is not to in any way to diminish how authentic and deep my crush on you is--but kissing Natalie had to have been pretty awesome, right?)

So, anyway, Mila (is it okay if I call you Mila?), I think we should go out--wanna go on a date with me some time?  I know a couple places I think you would like, and, girl, you know I'll treat you right.  So whaddaya say?  Holler back some time, then we'll figure out the details of the first night of the rest of your life.

Best regards,
A Dude you Should Date