I Think We Could Have Had Something Beautiful, Regina Spektor

Dear Regina Spektor,
I've waited a few days to write this letter because I was really holding out hope for you.  It was originally my intention to use this space to write something so poetic, so touching, so lovely, that, even though I had clearly given up on you, you would feel compelled to reach out to me, accept my offer, and ultimately spend the rest of your life with me.

But I'm tired, hungover, cranky, and not that good with words anyway, so I guess that's not gonna happen.  Have a nice life, Regina Spektor.  At least we'll always have "On the Radio" (or, more accurately, at least I will always have that funny, post-modern tingling I get whenever I hear "On the Radio" on the radio).

Sincerely,
A Dude You Should Date

Reason #10 Why You Should Go On A Date With Me, Regina Spektor

Reason #10: I let my morals inform my actions.  For example, after reading enough Michael Pollan, Eric Schlosser, and Jonathan Safran Foer to fill a small library, I was convinced to become a vegetarian--almost.  The only times I betray my conscience on this issue are when I'm really drunk, something with meat in it looks really good, or I'm really craving meat protein.  So, like I said, my morals inform my actions--sometimes, at least.

Reason #9 Why You Should Go On A Date With Me, Regina Spektor

Reason #9: I own the complete Blue Planet and Planet Earth series on DVD.  This might not matter much early on in our relationship, but it's pretty much perfect for dates three-through-five--you know, the ones where you're still in the honey moon phase and have decided you just want to make dinner at one of your apartments, split a six-pack of St. Pauli Girl, and cuddle under a blanket on the couch.  These DVDs give us a perfect excuse to do that.

Reason #8 Why You Should Go On A Date With Me, Regina Spektor

Reason #8: If I could have a beer and a basket of jalapeño poppers with any entertainer, it would be Tom Waits.  And if I could have ten beers and spend a night out carousing with any entertainer, it would be Mickey Mantle.  But if I could have 119 beers and then pass out in a hotel hallway with any entertainer, it would be Andre the Giant.

Reason #7 Why You Should Go On A Date With Me, Regina Spektor

Reason #7: I eat healthy. Despite it being "the busy season" at work, I've only made frozen pizza for dinner three times in the last two weeks. 

Reasons #5 And #6 Why You Should Go On A Date With Me, Regina Spektor

Reason #5:  I'm really good with kids.  I worked at a summer camp for 7 years and only hit a kid in the balls once.

Reason #6: I think anything can be made better if you line it with flannel.

Reasons #3 And #4 Why You Should Go On A Date With Me, Regina Spektor

Reason #3: You're Russian, and I appreciate other cultures. Like this one time when I lived in San Diego, I went out to a tequila bar on Cinco de Mayo and appreciated Mexican culture so hard that I had to get off my bike and puke on my way to the bus stop that got me to school the next morning.  So I feel like I really get the significance that holiday holds for all Mexicans (and, by extension, the significance that all holidays hold for all of the "other") is what I'm saying.

Reason #4: One of the defining characteristics of your music is that you're fascinated by the sounds you can make with your voice.    One of the defining characteristics of my life is that I'm fascinated by the sound of my voice.

Reason #2 Why You Should Go On A Date With Me, Regina Spektor

Reason #2: My favorite herb is cilantro.  This has nothing to do with you, your art, or anything you've ever stated publicly about your herb-related preferences, but I do think it demonstrates my good taste and upbringing.

Reason #1 Why You Should Go On A Date With Me, Regina Spektor

Reason#1: As was mentioned previously, I respect women.  But I especially respect female musicians.  Two nights ago a friend pulled up some Alanis Morissette and Jewel tracks back to back on Grooveshark, and I neither vomited in my mouth nor put my foot through the monitor of her computer.

Adorable Anti-Folk Musician Regina Spektor: Will You Go On A Date With Me?

Dear Regina Spektor,
Let me, like you often do in your songs, tell a story: The fall of my junior year of undergrad was a dark time.  My girlfriend at the time was studying abroad halfway around the world, I had put in a lackluster summer of base training and thus was having a shitty cross country season, and the two guys I was living with were--while very good friends--highly indulgent of all my worst instincts.  Typical weekday nights living with these guys went as follows:

Me: Roommate #1, what are you up to tonight?
Roommate #1: Eh, not much.  I have this paper due Friday, but I'll probably put it off for another couple days . . . ?
Me: Roommate #2?
Roommate #2: Yeah, not much either.  A couple quizzes later this week, but nothing huge . . . ?
Me: Wanna get drunk?
Roommates #1 and #2: Yes!

We would then proceed to the grocery store in Roommate #1s uninsured and unregistered pickup truck which he had bought for $900 in Boise, Idaho earlier that summer, buy a 30-rack of whatever was cheapest (usually Keystone Light), and return to our apartment where we would listen to The Band's "The Night They Drove Old Dixie Down" on repeat until we finished the 30-rack or all passed out (whichever came first).  Weekend nights were very similar, except we would listen to "The Night They Drove Old Dixie Down" on repeat before going to a house party where we would all unsuccessfully hit on girls, and then return home to finish whatever alcohol we had in our fridge/cabinets or all pass out (whichever came first).

But this was before we discovered you, Regina.  "The Night They Drove Old Dixie Down" is undoubtedly a great song, but is also depressing as shit. Unbeknownst to us, it was that song that was bring us down.  One day, though, I got home from a Tuesday night screening of Robert Altman's Nashville (tagline: "The damndest thing you ever saw") for a course on post-studio system Hollywood, and Roommate #1--incredibly excited--gestured me over next to him on the couch and said, "Watch this!"

This, for those of you too lazy to click the link, was the music video for Regina Spektor's "Fidelity."  It's a gorgeous story about how a girl (Ms Spektor, assumedly) used to never give herself up fully in relationships and also was never truly happy, and only became happy when she invested herself completely in her love.  It's shot in color but the set and costumes are almost entirely black and white--until her love interest shows up.  The video ends with her and the (quite attractive) man having an almost-snowball fight--except instead of snowballs they're throwing handfuls of brightly-colored chalk at each other.  It's kinda like Holi, the Hindi holiday, and it's absolutely adorable.

Anyway, we watched this video tens of times over the remaining couple months of the semester, and listened to the song an exponential amount more.  "Fidelity," along with several cuts by Hot Chip, Girl Talk, and Journey's "Don't Stop Believing," turned our semester around.  We all got way less sad, passed all of our classes (which was really in doubt for Roommate #1 for a while), and even started hitting on girls with a little bit more success.

So, what I'm saying here, Regina, is that I really think you get me.  And I really think I get you.  And, on the basis of this, I bet if we took the time to get to know each other, we would get along really well.  So, Ms Spektor, would you do me the honor of going on a date with me?  There are a few really good barbecue places in my town, and you strike me as the type of girl who really appreciates a good brisket (I'm pretty much a  vegetarian, but a lot of the good BBQ places around here have some really good veggie sides--black beans, mac and cheese, fried okra, and whatnot), so we would probably go to one of them.  So, if you're down, go ahead and drop me a line at dudeyoushoulddate@gmail.com.

Sincerely,
A Dude You Should Date