Dear Mila Kunis,
I saw Black Swan the other week and thought your performance was great. Especially the part where you accused Natalie Portman of having a "lezzie fantasy" about you, and then asked her if you were any good. It was pretty much the most adorable thing that anyone has ever said that has given me a hard-on.
So, after I saw that Black Swan, I kinda developed a little (read: large-to-quite-large) crush on you. It's important to note that this crush, while certainly silly and quixotic, is also authentic and deep, and exists entirely independently of the fact that I associate you with that heartbreaking wench of a co-star of yours, Natalie Portman, who you hardcore smooched (and then some!) in the aforementioned film. (And, not that I'm being intrusively or creepily harping on this, or anything--and this question is not to in any way to diminish how authentic and deep my crush on you is--but kissing Natalie had to have been pretty awesome, right?)
So, anyway, Mila (is it okay if I call you Mila?), I think we should go out--wanna go on a date with me some time? I know a couple places I think you would like, and, girl, you know I'll treat you right. So whaddaya say? Holler back some time, then we'll figure out the details of the first night of the rest of your life.
Best regards,
A Dude you Should Date
Sunday, January 9, 2011
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
Well, Gabriele Anderson, I Guess This Is Goodbye
Dear Gabriele Anderson,
That's cool. I can take a hint. Like how you haven't emailed. Or how you never retweeted any of my tweets followed by an LOL, ROTFLOL, LMFAO, or even just a WTF?!?!?. Or (perhaps more tellingly) like how you haven't taken me up on my offer and actually said you would go on a date with me (yet?), or how you haven't really even acknowledged my existence at all.
Of course, I can take solace in the fact that the reason you haven't accepted my offer is probably that you don't know I exist. I mean, as of this writing, I only have 15 Twitter followers, of whom about, oh, 13 (or so) are some kind of bot or at least generate their "following" list algorithmically. And there hasn't been even a single comment on this blog. So as far as I know I basically shouted this "ask out" into the void (wait--that's how I chose to try to console myself? Wow . . .), which means you didn't really reject me so much as just not hear me, right? Right . . . ?
So, like I said, I can take a hint. I mean, if after all this time--and all these highly compelling reasons why you should go on a date with me--you still aren't interested, I guess it's time to take a deep breath, cut my losses, lick my wounds, and just move on. So that's what I'm gonna do (although Gabby--it's cool if I call you Gabby, right?--baby--and it's cool if I call you baby, too, right?--if you ever change your mind, my email address is at the top of the blog).
Sincerely,
A Dude You Should Date
That's cool. I can take a hint. Like how you haven't emailed. Or how you never retweeted any of my tweets followed by an LOL, ROTFLOL, LMFAO, or even just a WTF?!?!?. Or (perhaps more tellingly) like how you haven't taken me up on my offer and actually said you would go on a date with me (yet?), or how you haven't really even acknowledged my existence at all.
Of course, I can take solace in the fact that the reason you haven't accepted my offer is probably that you don't know I exist. I mean, as of this writing, I only have 15 Twitter followers, of whom about, oh, 13 (or so) are some kind of bot or at least generate their "following" list algorithmically. And there hasn't been even a single comment on this blog. So as far as I know I basically shouted this "ask out" into the void (wait--that's how I chose to try to console myself? Wow . . .), which means you didn't really reject me so much as just not hear me, right? Right . . . ?
So, like I said, I can take a hint. I mean, if after all this time--and all these highly compelling reasons why you should go on a date with me--you still aren't interested, I guess it's time to take a deep breath, cut my losses, lick my wounds, and just move on. So that's what I'm gonna do (although Gabby--it's cool if I call you Gabby, right?--baby--and it's cool if I call you baby, too, right?--if you ever change your mind, my email address is at the top of the blog).
Sincerely,
A Dude You Should Date
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Reason #10 Why You Should Go On A Date With Me, Gabriele Anderson
Reason #10: We have a shared interest in service and civic duty, which you have acted upon by pursuing a Master's degree in Public Policy and I have acted upon by only forgetting to send in my absentee ballot once.
Reason #9 Why You Should Go On A Date With Me, Gabriele Anderson
Reason #9: I know the best coffee shop in my city (in fact, I'm there right now). I could take you there, and I bet we would have a good time.
Saturday, January 1, 2011
Reasons #7 And #8 Why You Should Go On A Date With Me, Gabriele Anderson
Reason #7: I once went as Winnie the Pooh for Halloween. When I was 20.
Reason #8: I have amazing self-control. On at least two or three occasions I can think of I didn't eat the last slice of pizza in the box even though I really wanted to.
Reason #8: I have amazing self-control. On at least two or three occasions I can think of I didn't eat the last slice of pizza in the box even though I really wanted to.
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Reason #6 Why You Should Go On A Date With Me, Gabriele Anderson
Reason #6: I respect women. You can be sure of this because my sister goes to Mt Holyoke, and I've never once tried to visit her for the weekend, "just because."
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Reasons #4 And #5 Why You Should Go On A Date With Me, Gabriele Anderson
Reason #4: I like good modern fiction. Ian McEwan, Zadie Smith, Salman Rushdie, Gabriel Garcia Marquez, Tim O'Brien (although that The Things They Carried isn't really fictional is a legitimate point), Kurt Vonnegut, David Foster Wallace (though I admittedly haven't made it through Infinite Jest yet--I twice started it and realized it was going to make me flunk out of school or lose my job--and I think his non-fiction is overrated), Milan Kundera, Dave Eggers, and Thomas Pynchon are some of my favorite authors. But I've got some guilty pleasures, too: Harry Potter, The Perks of Being a Wallflower, lesser-known young adult author William J. Brooke's Teller of Tales, and several trashy fantasy series (David Eddings's Belgariad being chief among them).
Reason #5: Dating me would be a good ego boost. Not in the "you-should-date-me-because-I'm-so-awesome-you-would-be-happy-just-to-get-to-spend-time-with-me" sense, but rather in the "you-should-date-me-because-wow-will-it-feel-good-to-have-at-least-one-person-around-who-isn't-a-massive-overachiever" sense. I mean, c'mon, you run for Team USA Minnesota. As best I can tell from their bios, between them your teammates have earned at least 46 NCAA All-American honors, have represented Team USA in international competitions at least 35 times (24 of them in World Championship events), won 21 national championships at levels ranging from high school to professional, have made 3 USA Outdoor Track World Championship teams, won the USA Road Circuit 2 times, and been named USATF Long Distance Runner of the Year twice. Also, one of them has a graduate degree. Rather than having to live up to these high standards all the time, wouldn't it be nice to date a guy who knows you're a higher-achiever than him at, well, pretty much everything? There's just no pressure there.
Reason #5: Dating me would be a good ego boost. Not in the "you-should-date-me-because-I'm-so-awesome-you-would-be-happy-just-to-get-to-spend-time-with-me" sense, but rather in the "you-should-date-me-because-wow-will-it-feel-good-to-have-at-least-one-person-around-who-isn't-a-massive-overachiever" sense. I mean, c'mon, you run for Team USA Minnesota. As best I can tell from their bios, between them your teammates have earned at least 46 NCAA All-American honors, have represented Team USA in international competitions at least 35 times (24 of them in World Championship events), won 21 national championships at levels ranging from high school to professional, have made 3 USA Outdoor Track World Championship teams, won the USA Road Circuit 2 times, and been named USATF Long Distance Runner of the Year twice. Also, one of them has a graduate degree. Rather than having to live up to these high standards all the time, wouldn't it be nice to date a guy who knows you're a higher-achiever than him at, well, pretty much everything? There's just no pressure there.
Reasons #1-3 Why You Should Go On A Date With Me, Gabrielle Anderson
Reason #1: We have so much in common: you run (professionally), and I run (decidedly not professionally). You were an English and Political Science major in undergrad, and I was an English major and really enjoy reading Nate Silver's blog. You're from Minnesota, and I've been there twice (three times if you count a several-hour airport layover!). We're basically doppelgangers.
Reason #2: I have a beard. It's a pretty good look. I'll admit that it gets a little out of control sometimes, but I would definitely trim it more regularly if you asked.
Reason #3: I'm a pretty good cook. Not a great one (my knife skills need some work, and I'm a little timid to experiment with non-Mexican ethnic foods), but a pretty good one. Last night I made a mean whole wheat pasta caprese salad topped with a lemon and olive oil sauce and grated parmigiano reggiano, and one of my go-tos is this eggplant pizza where the eggplant isn't a topping but replaces the bread-dough pizza base (I just blew your mind, didn't I?). They're both pretty yummy about 85-90% of the time.
Reason #2: I have a beard. It's a pretty good look. I'll admit that it gets a little out of control sometimes, but I would definitely trim it more regularly if you asked.
Reason #3: I'm a pretty good cook. Not a great one (my knife skills need some work, and I'm a little timid to experiment with non-Mexican ethnic foods), but a pretty good one. Last night I made a mean whole wheat pasta caprese salad topped with a lemon and olive oil sauce and grated parmigiano reggiano, and one of my go-tos is this eggplant pizza where the eggplant isn't a topping but replaces the bread-dough pizza base (I just blew your mind, didn't I?). They're both pretty yummy about 85-90% of the time.
Professional Runner Gabriele Anderson: Will You Go On A Date With Me?
Dear Gabriele Anderson,
You don't know me (in fact, we've never even met in person), so you're probably not aware that I have a pretty massive crush on you. You're cute, good at what you do (read: running super-fast), and, from interviews I've seen, seem like a young woman who, if you will pardon the expression, has her shit together.
While you almost certainly aren't aware of my crush on you, you may be aware that viral romantic interactions are sort of in right now (see this link for details). As such, I've decided to capitalize on this trend, and ask you out, but in the wussiest way possible: by letting the internet do it for me.
So, umm, Gabriele Anderson, will you, uhh, like, go on a date with me?
If you see this and are against it or on the fence, well, I definitely understand that. After all, the internet is full of some pretty bizarre dudes hiding behind faceless user names, so how can you know I'm not a weirdo--some kind of con artist, a serial killer, or (worst of all) an amateur mime? However, in order to assuage your fears and prove to you that I am not, in fact, any of those things (or any kind of weirdo other than the kind that attempts to ask you out virally), and am instead the kind of person you would want to go on a date with, I intend to use this space to, over the next few days, tell you why you should go out with me. So stay tuned, and hopefully be convinced.
Best regards,
A Dude You Should Date
You don't know me (in fact, we've never even met in person), so you're probably not aware that I have a pretty massive crush on you. You're cute, good at what you do (read: running super-fast), and, from interviews I've seen, seem like a young woman who, if you will pardon the expression, has her shit together.
While you almost certainly aren't aware of my crush on you, you may be aware that viral romantic interactions are sort of in right now (see this link for details). As such, I've decided to capitalize on this trend, and ask you out, but in the wussiest way possible: by letting the internet do it for me.
So, umm, Gabriele Anderson, will you, uhh, like, go on a date with me?
If you see this and are against it or on the fence, well, I definitely understand that. After all, the internet is full of some pretty bizarre dudes hiding behind faceless user names, so how can you know I'm not a weirdo--some kind of con artist, a serial killer, or (worst of all) an amateur mime? However, in order to assuage your fears and prove to you that I am not, in fact, any of those things (or any kind of weirdo other than the kind that attempts to ask you out virally), and am instead the kind of person you would want to go on a date with, I intend to use this space to, over the next few days, tell you why you should go out with me. So stay tuned, and hopefully be convinced.
Best regards,
A Dude You Should Date
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)