Reason #6: I drive a mini-van.
Reason #7: I know a couple trustworthy babysitters.
Reason #8: We care about the same issues. Your husband signed healthcare reform into law; I wrote a letter to my Senator about it. You planted an organic garden on the Whitehouse lawn; I often buy my lunch at Whole Foods.You have an anti-childhood obesity initiative, and I eat every take-and-bake Safeway pizza I can get my hands on to keep those horrible, horrible calories away from the children.
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Reason #5 Why You Should Go On A Date With Me, Michelle Obama
Reason #5: In high school I made my All-Conference baseball team--twice. But don't worry, I won't let it go to my head.
Friday, February 25, 2011
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Reasons #1-3 Why You Should Go On A Date With Me, Michelle Obama
Reason #1: I would call you FLOTUS.
Reason #2: Camp David is totally overrated.
Reason #3: I appreciate sexy arms.
Reason #2: Camp David is totally overrated.
Reason #3: I appreciate sexy arms.
First Lady Michelle Obama, Will You Go On A Date With Me?
Dear First Lady Michelle Obama,
It must be hard to be the President's wife. All of his going to G-20 conferences and rushing off to the Situation Room must really put some strain on your relationship. Not to mention, the fact that your husband is commonly referred to as "the most powerful man in the world" almost has to make him an absolute terror to deal with in the bedroom.
So don't you think it's time you did something for yourself? Like holing up with a 25-year-old in some Adams Morgan loft apartment, drinking a cup of chamomile tea and watching the end of the Washington, DC winter slip away out the window? The Secret Service won't tell the President (I learned this from watching The West Wing, when Zoey's agent wouldn't tell President Bartlet what his daughter was up to at Georgetown), and I think we would really get along. Not that we have, well, really anything in common. But we're both Americans, dammit, and isn't that all that matters?
So, how bout it, Michelle? There's a long and illustrious history of American Presidents' affairs--don't you think it's about time the First Lady wrote a chapter?
Sincerely,
A Dude You Should Date
It must be hard to be the President's wife. All of his going to G-20 conferences and rushing off to the Situation Room must really put some strain on your relationship. Not to mention, the fact that your husband is commonly referred to as "the most powerful man in the world" almost has to make him an absolute terror to deal with in the bedroom.
So don't you think it's time you did something for yourself? Like holing up with a 25-year-old in some Adams Morgan loft apartment, drinking a cup of chamomile tea and watching the end of the Washington, DC winter slip away out the window? The Secret Service won't tell the President (I learned this from watching The West Wing, when Zoey's agent wouldn't tell President Bartlet what his daughter was up to at Georgetown), and I think we would really get along. Not that we have, well, really anything in common. But we're both Americans, dammit, and isn't that all that matters?
So, how bout it, Michelle? There's a long and illustrious history of American Presidents' affairs--don't you think it's about time the First Lady wrote a chapter?
Sincerely,
A Dude You Should Date
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
I Thought That I Was From Maine Would Be A Bigger Deal To You, Anna Kendrick
Dear Anna Kendrick,
You may think that the reason I've waited almost a week to write this letter is that I was holding out hope, pining away, not just waiting by the phone but even sleeping with it right by my ear just waiting for your call. And you wouldn't be entirely wrong . . . except that none of those things are true.
Because, see, AK47, maybe I've just been, like, umm, really busy at work this past week, and I haven't had a chance to write this letter. So, yeah, that's why it took me so long to find the 15 minutes it will take to write this letter, not because I've (*loud sigh*) been holding out hope. (Nice paragraph, Dude. Sounds totally plausible--way to play it cool.)
And, even if you were to call/email/Tweet me and ask me on a date, during this last week I've come to the realization that things can't work with us, and I would have to turn you down. (Way to turn the tables on her, here, Dude--women always want what they can't have. She's bound to come acallin' now!)
Don't worry, though, it's not you--although just to be clear, it's not me either. There's nothing wrong with us (well, with me anyway--if I'm being entirely honest you are just a little short for my tastes . . . but don't sweat it), the problem is that we have too much in common: both in our mid-20s; both from Portland, Maine; both incredibly good-looking; both incredibly famous and successful (I don't know if you've heard, AK, but I'm kinda blowing up right now--this blog had almost 75 page views one day last week!). With two people like that, how could things work out? There's just too much possibility for friction with so much fabulousness (and winter LL Bean apparel) in one relationship.
But, anyway, AK, I want you to know I don't have any hard feelings. What we had (or I imagined we could have had--same thing, really) was a great and special thing. So, Anna, next time I see you at Gritty McDuff's in the Old Port, I won't make a scene, I won't yell at you, scream about how you never called, embarrass you in front of all your friends and fans and cause a scene that would surely get at least a paragraph or two on TMZ . . . instead, I'll just smile at you from across the bar, give a little knowing wave, and quietly walk away. It's for the best. Because we're just too much alike.
Sincerely,
A Dude You Should Date
You may think that the reason I've waited almost a week to write this letter is that I was holding out hope, pining away, not just waiting by the phone but even sleeping with it right by my ear just waiting for your call. And you wouldn't be entirely wrong . . . except that none of those things are true.
Because, see, AK47, maybe I've just been, like, umm, really busy at work this past week, and I haven't had a chance to write this letter. So, yeah, that's why it took me so long to find the 15 minutes it will take to write this letter, not because I've (*loud sigh*) been holding out hope. (Nice paragraph, Dude. Sounds totally plausible--way to play it cool.)
And, even if you were to call/email/Tweet me and ask me on a date, during this last week I've come to the realization that things can't work with us, and I would have to turn you down. (Way to turn the tables on her, here, Dude--women always want what they can't have. She's bound to come acallin' now!)
Don't worry, though, it's not you--although just to be clear, it's not me either. There's nothing wrong with us (well, with me anyway--if I'm being entirely honest you are just a little short for my tastes . . . but don't sweat it), the problem is that we have too much in common: both in our mid-20s; both from Portland, Maine; both incredibly good-looking; both incredibly famous and successful (I don't know if you've heard, AK, but I'm kinda blowing up right now--this blog had almost 75 page views one day last week!). With two people like that, how could things work out? There's just too much possibility for friction with so much fabulousness (and winter LL Bean apparel) in one relationship.
But, anyway, AK, I want you to know I don't have any hard feelings. What we had (or I imagined we could have had--same thing, really) was a great and special thing. So, Anna, next time I see you at Gritty McDuff's in the Old Port, I won't make a scene, I won't yell at you, scream about how you never called, embarrass you in front of all your friends and fans and cause a scene that would surely get at least a paragraph or two on TMZ . . . instead, I'll just smile at you from across the bar, give a little knowing wave, and quietly walk away. It's for the best. Because we're just too much alike.
Sincerely,
A Dude You Should Date
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Reasons #9 And #10 Why You Should Go On A Date With Me, Anna Kendrick
Reason #9: Stupid people don't bother me. But people whose stupidity makes it harder for me to do my job make me wish that gun laws in this country were even more lax than they already are. (And this coming from someone who believes that the "A well regulated Militia being necessary to the security of a free State" part of the 2nd Ammendment is the most overlooked part of the Bill of Rights.)
Reason #10: I keep my Thin Mint Girl Scout Cookies in the freezer because I believe that they, like revenge, are a dish best served cold.
Reason #10: I keep my Thin Mint Girl Scout Cookies in the freezer because I believe that they, like revenge, are a dish best served cold.
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Reason #8 Why You Should Go On A Date With Me, Anna Kendrick
Reason #8: I don't drink every night. But only because I don't count three drinks or fewer as drinking.
Reasons #5-7 Why You Should Go On A Date With Me, Anna Kendrick
Reason #5: When I was four years-old I donated one dollar (a whole week's allowance!) to PBS during its fundraising drive.
Reason #6: I can recite the best part of the St. Crispian's Day speech. I can also recite the entirety of "There once was a man from Nantucket . . ."
Reason #7: My favorite speeches from any movie are, in no particular order, as follows: the aforementioned St. Crispian's Day speech in the Kenneth Branagh version of Henry V; Timothy Treadwell's "I've always wished I was gay" monologue in Grizzly Man; the Impressive Clergyman's "Mawage" speech in The Princess Bride; and Anne Marie's "What do I want?" speech in Blue Crush. (I'm slightly embarrassed about that last one.)
Reason #6: I can recite the best part of the St. Crispian's Day speech. I can also recite the entirety of "There once was a man from Nantucket . . ."
Reason #7: My favorite speeches from any movie are, in no particular order, as follows: the aforementioned St. Crispian's Day speech in the Kenneth Branagh version of Henry V; Timothy Treadwell's "I've always wished I was gay" monologue in Grizzly Man; the Impressive Clergyman's "Mawage" speech in The Princess Bride; and Anne Marie's "What do I want?" speech in Blue Crush. (I'm slightly embarrassed about that last one.)
Monday, February 7, 2011
Reason #4 Why You Should Go On A Date With Me, Anna Kendrick
Reason #4: In high school, my friends and I once spent a Saturday night watching "the two best movies any of us can think of": Citizen Kane . . . and The Sandlot.
Saturday, February 5, 2011
Reasons #1-3 Why You Should Go On A Date With Me, Anna Kendrick
Reason #1: I just got a NetFlix account. Two discs at a time, baby!
Reason #2: My roommates and I have a bowl of condoms on the kitchen counter. It's called "The Bowl of Aspirations."
Reason #3: I just shaved my neck beard.
Reason #2: My roommates and I have a bowl of condoms on the kitchen counter. It's called "The Bowl of Aspirations."
Reason #3: I just shaved my neck beard.
Friday, February 4, 2011
Fellow Portland-Native Anna Kendrick, Will You Go On A Date With Me
Dear Anna Kendrick,
If you read any of my other celebrity ask-out letters you'll notice that they're written in a style that my freshman Comp professor would have described as extravagant (he used this phrase to describe Thoreau's writing, and then gave a mini-lecture about the Latin roots of the word--if I remember correctly extra is derived from externus, which meant "outside" or "outer", and vagant is derived from vaga, which meant "to wander"--and how writing in this style was a way of making form and function match . . . but I digress--extravagantly).
What I'm trying to say, here, Ms Kendrick, is that while asking out other celebrities I may have done a bit of proverbial "beating around the bush," but you're a Maine girl, and I'm a Maine boy, and if there's one thing I know about Maine girls as a Maine boy it's that if there's one thing Maine girls appreciate it's directness (well, that and Bean Boots, Sea Dog's Blue Paw blueberry wheat beer, and Red Sox outfielder Jacoby Ellsbury)*. So with you I'm just going to be direct:
Anna Kendrick (or AK-47, as I would imagine you've been called by friends since you were about 11), you wanna go on a date with me? If you want to go to a Portland institution we could do the Great Lost Bear; if you want to hit somewhere new(ish) near your old Deering High School stomping grounds we could go to Siano's Brick Oven Pizza (the original Deering Center one, obviously--my younger sister works there and it's way better than both of their newer locations); and if you want to go to an absolute dive we could hit Bubba's Sulky Lounge or Old Port Tavern Billiards (I recommend the latter--we're less likely to get knifed there). So whaddaya say--I think we both would have had better times than we actually had at our respective proms (Deering '03 and Waynflete '04) if we had just gone with each other instead of whoever we went with (I'm gonna guess you went with a baseball player--Ryan Flaherty, maybe?), but while we can't change the past, as Gramps taught Brother Bear in The Bearenstain Bears and the Trouble at School, it's never too late to correct a mistake, so it's past time for us to start making up for lost time.
So, that was me--several em dashes nested within parentheses, three full paragraphs, and thirty-five minutes of writing after starting on my celebrity ask-out letter to you--being direct. I'll be expecting your call (or, rather, email or Twitter, since I don't have a phone number anywhere on this blog) any minute now.
Sincerely,
A Dude You Should Date
*So what it seems like I'm really saying here is that I don't know anything about Maine girls (or likely any sort of girls). And also that I love convoluted sentence structures (that's not so much explicitly stated as it is implied).
If you read any of my other celebrity ask-out letters you'll notice that they're written in a style that my freshman Comp professor would have described as extravagant (he used this phrase to describe Thoreau's writing, and then gave a mini-lecture about the Latin roots of the word--if I remember correctly extra is derived from externus, which meant "outside" or "outer", and vagant is derived from vaga, which meant "to wander"--and how writing in this style was a way of making form and function match . . . but I digress--extravagantly).
What I'm trying to say, here, Ms Kendrick, is that while asking out other celebrities I may have done a bit of proverbial "beating around the bush," but you're a Maine girl, and I'm a Maine boy, and if there's one thing I know about Maine girls as a Maine boy it's that if there's one thing Maine girls appreciate it's directness (well, that and Bean Boots, Sea Dog's Blue Paw blueberry wheat beer, and Red Sox outfielder Jacoby Ellsbury)*. So with you I'm just going to be direct:
Anna Kendrick (or AK-47, as I would imagine you've been called by friends since you were about 11), you wanna go on a date with me? If you want to go to a Portland institution we could do the Great Lost Bear; if you want to hit somewhere new(ish) near your old Deering High School stomping grounds we could go to Siano's Brick Oven Pizza (the original Deering Center one, obviously--my younger sister works there and it's way better than both of their newer locations); and if you want to go to an absolute dive we could hit Bubba's Sulky Lounge or Old Port Tavern Billiards (I recommend the latter--we're less likely to get knifed there). So whaddaya say--I think we both would have had better times than we actually had at our respective proms (Deering '03 and Waynflete '04) if we had just gone with each other instead of whoever we went with (I'm gonna guess you went with a baseball player--Ryan Flaherty, maybe?), but while we can't change the past, as Gramps taught Brother Bear in The Bearenstain Bears and the Trouble at School, it's never too late to correct a mistake, so it's past time for us to start making up for lost time.
So, that was me--several em dashes nested within parentheses, three full paragraphs, and thirty-five minutes of writing after starting on my celebrity ask-out letter to you--being direct. I'll be expecting your call (or, rather, email or Twitter, since I don't have a phone number anywhere on this blog) any minute now.
Sincerely,
A Dude You Should Date
*So what it seems like I'm really saying here is that I don't know anything about Maine girls (or likely any sort of girls). And also that I love convoluted sentence structures (that's not so much explicitly stated as it is implied).
Thursday, February 3, 2011
I Think We Could Have Had Something Beautiful, Regina Spektor
Dear Regina Spektor,
I've waited a few days to write this letter because I was really holding out hope for you. It was originally my intention to use this space to write something so poetic, so touching, so lovely, that, even though I had clearly given up on you, you would feel compelled to reach out to me, accept my offer, and ultimately spend the rest of your life with me.
But I'm tired, hungover, cranky, and not that good with words anyway, so I guess that's not gonna happen. Have a nice life, Regina Spektor. At least we'll always have "On the Radio" (or, more accurately, at least I will always have that funny, post-modern tingling I get whenever I hear "On the Radio" on the radio).
Sincerely,
A Dude You Should Date
I've waited a few days to write this letter because I was really holding out hope for you. It was originally my intention to use this space to write something so poetic, so touching, so lovely, that, even though I had clearly given up on you, you would feel compelled to reach out to me, accept my offer, and ultimately spend the rest of your life with me.
But I'm tired, hungover, cranky, and not that good with words anyway, so I guess that's not gonna happen. Have a nice life, Regina Spektor. At least we'll always have "On the Radio" (or, more accurately, at least I will always have that funny, post-modern tingling I get whenever I hear "On the Radio" on the radio).
Sincerely,
A Dude You Should Date
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