Dear Mila Kunis,
I see how it is--have just one Hollywood superstar call you "hot lips" during the Golden Globes and you decide you're too big a deal to go on a date with a rank-and-file fan. But that's fine. While you have to slog away by going to the office every day "voice acting" gigs (because nobody wants to see your ugly mug) for shows that I've never heard of (Family Guy? Sounds lame) I'm living the dream--two roommates, two jobs, and the sock puppet of love to keep me company at night. That's right. I. Don't. Need. You.
So go ahead, keep thinking you're better than me, keep thinking that Macaulay Culkin wasn't as good as it's going to get, keep thinking that brighter days are right around the corner. But I know, and you will eventually discover, that some day--some day when you're old and alone with just your millions upon millions of dollars and incredible good looks to keep you company--that this is a missed chance for you. Because it's not every day you get offered the chance to go on a date with a neurotic, insecure Jew who, if the night goes well, might see if you're interested in letting him stick his small, erratically-performing penis inside you. After all, Woody Allen can't have long for this earth. And since you've already closed this door that might just be the only opportunity you have left.
So have a nice life, hot lips.
Sincerely,
A Dude You Should Date
No comments:
Post a Comment