How Could You, Katy Perry? And After Calling Me (Specifically Me) A Firework!

Dear Katy Perry,
You know, Katy, for a while I really thought we had something. But I guess I was wrong--you're hot then you're cold, you're yes then you're no, you don't really wanna stay (no!) and I guess now I know for sure you wanna go (oh!). And, frankly, I'm sick of your games, and while I may not be 19 anymore when I shave I still look like a teenager, and if I'm not dreamy enough for you, well, than it might be time for you to reevaluate your standards--huge boobs and international pop-stardom or no.

And not to be nasty or anything, but there may be a good explanation for this: I've heard some rumors recently that Ur So Gay. And that's too bad, because I get that you may have kissed a girl and liked it, but I feel like if you let me kiss you, girl, you would like that, too--maybe even more.

Sincerely,
A Dude You Should Date

PS-Also, because I can't link in the title of this post, I'm throwing down a link to the "Firework" music video here.

Reason #10 Why You Should Go On A Date With Me, Katy Perry

Reason #10: I live a short walk from a 24-hour restaurant with really good queso dip.  This will matter a lot if you ever decide to come back to my place after a date--which is to say, of course, that it looks like at this rate it won't ever matter at all.

Reason #9 Why You Should Go On A Date With Me, Katy Perry

Reason #9: I hate it when people use the word "literally" when they actually mean "nearly," "figuratively," or "analogously."

Reason #8 Why You Should Go On A Date With Me, Katy Perry

Reason #8: There is leftover Taco Bell in my refrigerator right now.

Reasons #6 And #7 Why You Should Go On A Date With Me, Katy Perry

Reason #6: I envy people whose names are sentences.  Like this guy on my high school cross country team, his name was Will Bangs.  I really envied him for that.  (Note: I know your name is not a sentence, nor is mine.  I still think my envy of this sort of name is a reason you should go on a date with me.)

Reason #7: I think "early morning" is 8am-10am, "mid-morning" is 10am-12pm, and "late morning" is 12pm-2pm.

Reason #5 Why You Should Go On A Date With Me, Katy Perry

Reason #5: We're compatible in many highly important ways.  For example, you have spectacular breasts, and I'm a really big fan of spectacular breasts.  Like I said, highly important ways.

Reasons #3 And #4 Why You Should Go On A Date With Me, Katy Perry

Reason #3: I appreciate a good breakfast taco, and that is in no way a euphemism.  Seriously.

Reason #4: I have this problem where it sounds like I'm being sarcastic when I'm actually being serious and serious when I'm actually being sarcastic (see Reason #3 for an example of the former).

Reasons #1 And #2 Why you Should Go On A Date With Me, Katy Perry

Reason #1: I look good in plaid.

Reason #2: I like PBR cans, but really like PBR bottles.

Pop Sensation Katy Perry, Will You Go On A Date With Me?

Dear Katy Perry,
Let me take you back to a long ago, simple time: the summer of 2010.  And let me tell you a story from that time--an allegory, a not particularly subtle allegory, but an allegory nonetheless, and a classic one at that, maybe an archetypal one, even--about a girl--a pop-star--and a boy--a summer camp counselor--and how the summer camp counselor boy heard that pop-star girl's hit summer anthem--"Left Coast Lay-Deez," we'll call it--and from that moment on realized his deep and everlasting love for the pop-star girl, a love which he proved by spending nearly 95% of a solo drive from New England to the Deep South channel surfing radio stations trying to find Katy Per--err, I mean the pop-star girl's singles on the airwaves* (there was a second single by this point, too,which we'll call "Young Figments").  To this day the summer camp counselor boy--now gainfully employed--and the pop-star girl--still poppy, still a star--have never dated, met, or even really had their lives in any way altered by the other's existence in any meaningful way other than the summer camp counselor boy enjoying it when, in the pop-star's music videos, things shoot out of her breasts as if they are sparklers or whipped cream dispensers.  The end.

Like I said, that story is nearly an archetype--but only nearly.  But you know how the archetypal version of the story ends?  With the boy and the girl going and grabbing a bit to eat at a Thai place and then going to see a movie at a second-run theater.  So, pop icon and breast-shooter-outer Katy Perry, I think it's past time for you and me to make our story archetypal**, put aside our massive personal, cultural, and socioeconomic differences, and go on a date. How about it, then, Katy Perry--you might not be a teenaged anymore, but it's still my dream to go on a date with you.  So will you go on a date with me?

Sincerely,
A Dude You Should Date

*the other 5% of the time was spent listening to Elton John, but only because ClearChannel makes him pretty much unavoidable and the summer camp counselor boy thinks "Rocket Man" is a pretty great song.
**this may be as good a time as any to acknowledge that I've never really had a firm understanding of what the term "archetype" really means--I mean, I get it, but what differentiates an archetype from a common story other than personal preference, context, and maybe an appearance of a certain kind of story in a major literary work?

All That For Nothing, Michelle Obama?

Dear Michelle Obama,
Girl, I can't believe you didn't call. I put it all out there for you, laid it on the line, poured out my heart, and (most importantly) risked having the FBI and/or Secret Service come knocking on my door--all for what?  For nothing, that's what.

Everyone is always saying how you're our generation's Jackie O. Well let you tell me something--married women from Jackie O's generation knew how to respond to over-enthusiastic younger suitors.  They didn't ignore them.  Instead, they took them out back and had a discrete yet passionate affair and no one was the wiser.  So, Michelle Obama, people may call you our generation's Jackie O, but I know a person who knows a person who once saw Jackie O water-skiing on Martha's Vineyard, and I know another person who knows a person who knows a person who went to George Washington University with her, so (being that close to Jackie O) I feel pretty qualified to say that you are no Jackie O.

You know what you are Michelle Obama?  You're a tease.  Wearing those sleeveless dresses, always smiling at everyone (but never really meaning it), staring out at me (yes, me specifically) from your photo on the cover of Vogue Magazine with those slutty, slutty eyes.  But now I know you've just been leading me on.  And that makes me angry.  It makes me angry enough to do things.  Bad things.  And not the fun kind of bad things (like shoplifting or S&M) where bad actually means "fun," "edgy," or "cool," but actual bad things.  Things that might make you think before ever treating me like this again.  Like I said, bad things.  Look out.

Wait a minute--what's that knocking that noise?  It's only 4 pm, so it can't be my bitchy neighbor banging on the wall complaining we're being too loud as she's trying to go to sleep (but fuck you, anyway, Anna!).  No--it's definitely someone at the door.  No you can't come in! Go away. . . Hang on, do you have a warrant? . . . Woah, buddy!  There's no need for that--put the gun away! . . . Yes, I asked FLOTUS out . . . No, it wasn't like that.  I didn't mean the threats . . . No, seriously, it's just a blog. No one even reads it anyway . . . Wait--did I just hear you say Guantanamo? . . . Heeeeeeeelp!

Sincerely,
A Dude You Should Date

Reasons #9 And #10 Why You Should Go On A Date With Me, Michelle Obama

Reason #9: I know all the rules to The West Wing Drinking Game.

Reason #10: It would lock up my vote for your husband's 2012 re-election campaign.  And every vote counts!

Reasons #6-8 Why You Should Go On A Date With Me, Michelle Obama

Reason #6: I drive a mini-van.

Reason #7: I know a couple trustworthy babysitters.

Reason #8: We care about the same issues.  Your husband signed healthcare reform into law; I wrote a letter to my Senator about it.  You planted an organic garden on the Whitehouse lawn; I often buy my lunch at Whole Foods.You have an anti-childhood obesity initiative, and I eat every take-and-bake Safeway pizza I can get my hands on to keep those horrible, horrible calories away from the children.

Reason #5 Why You Should Go On A Date With Me, Michelle Obama

Reason #5: In high school I made my All-Conference baseball team--twice.  But don't worry, I won't let it go to my head.

Reason #4 Why You Should Go On A Date With Me, Michelle Obama

Reason #4: I work in a warehouse.

Reasons #1-3 Why You Should Go On A Date With Me, Michelle Obama

Reason #1: I would call you FLOTUS.

Reason #2: Camp David is totally overrated.

Reason #3: I appreciate sexy arms.

First Lady Michelle Obama, Will You Go On A Date With Me?

Dear First Lady Michelle Obama,
It must be hard to be the President's wife.  All of his going to G-20 conferences and rushing off to the Situation Room must really put some strain on your relationship.  Not to mention, the fact that your husband is commonly referred to as "the most powerful man in the world" almost has to make him an absolute terror to deal with in the bedroom.

So don't you think it's time you did something for yourself?  Like holing up with a 25-year-old in some Adams Morgan loft apartment, drinking a cup of chamomile tea and watching the end of the Washington, DC winter slip away out the window?  The Secret Service won't tell the President (I learned this from watching The West Wing, when Zoey's agent wouldn't tell President Bartlet what his daughter was up to at Georgetown), and I think we would really get along.  Not that we have, well, really anything in common.  But we're both Americans, dammit, and isn't that all that matters?

So, how bout it, Michelle?  There's a long and illustrious history of American Presidents' affairs--don't you think it's about time the First Lady wrote a chapter?

Sincerely,
A Dude You Should Date

I Thought That I Was From Maine Would Be A Bigger Deal To You, Anna Kendrick

Dear Anna Kendrick,
You may think that the reason I've waited almost a week to write this letter is that I was holding out hope, pining away, not just waiting by the phone but even sleeping with it right by my ear just waiting for your call.  And you wouldn't be entirely wrong . . . except  that none of those things are true.

Because, see, AK47, maybe I've just been, like, umm, really busy at work this past week, and I haven't had a chance to write this letter.  So, yeah, that's why it took me so long to find the 15 minutes it will take to write this letter, not because I've (*loud sigh*) been holding out hope.  (Nice paragraph, Dude.  Sounds totally plausible--way to play it cool.) 

And, even if you were to call/email/Tweet me and ask me on a date, during this last week I've come to the realization that things can't work with us, and I would have to turn you down.  (Way to turn the tables on her, here, Dude--women always want what they can't have.  She's bound to come acallin' now!)

Don't worry, though, it's not you--although just to be clear, it's not me either.  There's nothing wrong with us (well, with me anyway--if I'm being entirely honest you are just a little short for my tastes . . . but don't sweat it), the problem is that we have too much in common: both in our mid-20s; both from Portland, Maine; both incredibly good-looking; both incredibly famous and successful (I don't know if you've heard, AK, but I'm kinda blowing up right now--this blog had almost 75 page views one day last week!).  With two people like that, how could things work out?  There's just too much possibility for friction with so much fabulousness (and winter LL Bean apparel) in one relationship.

But, anyway, AK, I want you to know I don't have any hard feelings.  What we had (or I imagined we could have had--same thing, really) was a great and special thing.  So, Anna, next time I see you at Gritty McDuff's in the Old Port, I won't make a scene, I won't yell at you, scream about how you never called, embarrass you in front of all your friends and fans and cause a scene that would surely get at least a paragraph or two on TMZ . . . instead, I'll just smile at you from across the bar, give a little knowing wave, and quietly walk away.  It's for the best.  Because we're just too much alike.

Sincerely,
A Dude You Should Date

Reasons #9 And #10 Why You Should Go On A Date With Me, Anna Kendrick

Reason #9: Stupid people don't bother me.  But people whose stupidity makes it harder for me to do my job make me wish that gun laws in this country were even more lax than they already are.  (And this coming from someone who believes that the "A well regulated Militia being necessary to the security of a free State" part of the 2nd Ammendment is the most overlooked part of the Bill of Rights.)

Reason #10: I keep my Thin Mint Girl Scout Cookies in the freezer because I believe that they, like revenge, are a dish best served cold.

Reason #8 Why You Should Go On A Date With Me, Anna Kendrick

Reason #8: I don't drink every night.  But only because I don't count three drinks or fewer as drinking.

Reasons #5-7 Why You Should Go On A Date With Me, Anna Kendrick

Reason #5: When I was four years-old I donated one dollar (a whole week's allowance!) to PBS during its fundraising drive.

Reason #6: I can recite the best part of the St. Crispian's Day speech.  I can also recite the entirety of "There once was a man from Nantucket . . ."  

Reason #7: My favorite speeches from any movie are, in no particular order, as follows: the aforementioned St. Crispian's Day speech in the Kenneth Branagh version of Henry V; Timothy Treadwell's "I've always wished I was gay" monologue in Grizzly Man; the Impressive Clergyman's "Mawage" speech in The Princess Bride; and Anne Marie's "What do I want?" speech in Blue Crush.  (I'm slightly embarrassed about that last one.)

Reason #4 Why You Should Go On A Date With Me, Anna Kendrick

Reason #4: In high school, my friends and I once spent a Saturday night watching "the two best movies any of us can think of": Citizen Kane . . . and The Sandlot.

Reasons #1-3 Why You Should Go On A Date With Me, Anna Kendrick

Reason #1: I just got a NetFlix account.  Two discs at a time, baby!

Reason #2: My roommates and I have a bowl of condoms on the kitchen counter.  It's called "The Bowl of Aspirations."

Reason #3: I just shaved my neck beard.

Fellow Portland-Native Anna Kendrick, Will You Go On A Date With Me

Dear Anna Kendrick,
If you read any of my other celebrity ask-out letters you'll notice that they're written in a style that my freshman Comp professor would have described as extravagant (he used this phrase to describe Thoreau's writing, and then gave a mini-lecture about the Latin roots of the word--if I remember correctly extra is derived from externus, which meant "outside" or "outer", and vagant is derived from vaga, which meant "to wander"--and how writing in this style was a way of making form and function match . . . but I digress--extravagantly).

What I'm trying to say, here, Ms Kendrick, is that while asking out other celebrities I may have done a bit of proverbial "beating around the bush," but you're a Maine girl, and I'm a Maine boy, and if there's one thing I know about Maine girls as a Maine boy it's that if there's one thing Maine girls appreciate it's directness (well, that and Bean Boots, Sea Dog's Blue Paw blueberry wheat beer, and Red Sox outfielder Jacoby Ellsbury)*.  So with you I'm just going to be direct:


Anna Kendrick (or AK-47, as I would imagine you've been called by friends since you were about 11), you wanna go on a date with me?  If you want to go to a Portland institution we could do the Great Lost Bear; if you want to hit somewhere new(ish) near your old Deering High School stomping grounds we could go to Siano's Brick Oven Pizza (the original Deering Center one, obviously--my younger sister works there and it's way better than both of their newer locations); and if you want to go to an absolute dive we could hit Bubba's Sulky Lounge or Old Port Tavern Billiards (I recommend the latter--we're less likely to get knifed there).  So whaddaya say--I think we both would have had better times than we actually had at our respective proms (Deering '03 and Waynflete '04) if we had just gone with each other instead of whoever we went with (I'm gonna guess you went with a baseball player--Ryan Flaherty, maybe?), but while we can't change the past, as Gramps taught Brother Bear in The Bearenstain Bears and the Trouble at School, it's never too late to correct a mistake, so it's past time for us to start making up for lost time.

So, that was me--several em dashes nested within parentheses, three full paragraphs, and thirty-five minutes of writing after starting on my celebrity ask-out letter to you--being direct.  I'll be expecting your call (or, rather, email or Twitter, since I don't have a phone number anywhere on this blog) any minute now.

Sincerely,
A Dude You Should Date


*So what it seems like I'm really saying here is that I don't know anything about Maine girls (or likely any sort of girls).  And also that I love convoluted sentence structures (that's not so much explicitly stated as it is implied).

I Think We Could Have Had Something Beautiful, Regina Spektor

Dear Regina Spektor,
I've waited a few days to write this letter because I was really holding out hope for you.  It was originally my intention to use this space to write something so poetic, so touching, so lovely, that, even though I had clearly given up on you, you would feel compelled to reach out to me, accept my offer, and ultimately spend the rest of your life with me.

But I'm tired, hungover, cranky, and not that good with words anyway, so I guess that's not gonna happen.  Have a nice life, Regina Spektor.  At least we'll always have "On the Radio" (or, more accurately, at least I will always have that funny, post-modern tingling I get whenever I hear "On the Radio" on the radio).

Sincerely,
A Dude You Should Date

Reason #10 Why You Should Go On A Date With Me, Regina Spektor

Reason #10: I let my morals inform my actions.  For example, after reading enough Michael Pollan, Eric Schlosser, and Jonathan Safran Foer to fill a small library, I was convinced to become a vegetarian--almost.  The only times I betray my conscience on this issue are when I'm really drunk, something with meat in it looks really good, or I'm really craving meat protein.  So, like I said, my morals inform my actions--sometimes, at least.

Reason #9 Why You Should Go On A Date With Me, Regina Spektor

Reason #9: I own the complete Blue Planet and Planet Earth series on DVD.  This might not matter much early on in our relationship, but it's pretty much perfect for dates three-through-five--you know, the ones where you're still in the honey moon phase and have decided you just want to make dinner at one of your apartments, split a six-pack of St. Pauli Girl, and cuddle under a blanket on the couch.  These DVDs give us a perfect excuse to do that.

Reason #8 Why You Should Go On A Date With Me, Regina Spektor

Reason #8: If I could have a beer and a basket of jalapeño poppers with any entertainer, it would be Tom Waits.  And if I could have ten beers and spend a night out carousing with any entertainer, it would be Mickey Mantle.  But if I could have 119 beers and then pass out in a hotel hallway with any entertainer, it would be Andre the Giant.

Reason #7 Why You Should Go On A Date With Me, Regina Spektor

Reason #7: I eat healthy. Despite it being "the busy season" at work, I've only made frozen pizza for dinner three times in the last two weeks. 

Reasons #5 And #6 Why You Should Go On A Date With Me, Regina Spektor

Reason #5:  I'm really good with kids.  I worked at a summer camp for 7 years and only hit a kid in the balls once.

Reason #6: I think anything can be made better if you line it with flannel.

Reasons #3 And #4 Why You Should Go On A Date With Me, Regina Spektor

Reason #3: You're Russian, and I appreciate other cultures. Like this one time when I lived in San Diego, I went out to a tequila bar on Cinco de Mayo and appreciated Mexican culture so hard that I had to get off my bike and puke on my way to the bus stop that got me to school the next morning.  So I feel like I really get the significance that holiday holds for all Mexicans (and, by extension, the significance that all holidays hold for all of the "other") is what I'm saying.

Reason #4: One of the defining characteristics of your music is that you're fascinated by the sounds you can make with your voice.    One of the defining characteristics of my life is that I'm fascinated by the sound of my voice.

Reason #2 Why You Should Go On A Date With Me, Regina Spektor

Reason #2: My favorite herb is cilantro.  This has nothing to do with you, your art, or anything you've ever stated publicly about your herb-related preferences, but I do think it demonstrates my good taste and upbringing.

Reason #1 Why You Should Go On A Date With Me, Regina Spektor

Reason#1: As was mentioned previously, I respect women.  But I especially respect female musicians.  Two nights ago a friend pulled up some Alanis Morissette and Jewel tracks back to back on Grooveshark, and I neither vomited in my mouth nor put my foot through the monitor of her computer.

Adorable Anti-Folk Musician Regina Spektor: Will You Go On A Date With Me?

Dear Regina Spektor,
Let me, like you often do in your songs, tell a story: The fall of my junior year of undergrad was a dark time.  My girlfriend at the time was studying abroad halfway around the world, I had put in a lackluster summer of base training and thus was having a shitty cross country season, and the two guys I was living with were--while very good friends--highly indulgent of all my worst instincts.  Typical weekday nights living with these guys went as follows:

Me: Roommate #1, what are you up to tonight?
Roommate #1: Eh, not much.  I have this paper due Friday, but I'll probably put it off for another couple days . . . ?
Me: Roommate #2?
Roommate #2: Yeah, not much either.  A couple quizzes later this week, but nothing huge . . . ?
Me: Wanna get drunk?
Roommates #1 and #2: Yes!

We would then proceed to the grocery store in Roommate #1s uninsured and unregistered pickup truck which he had bought for $900 in Boise, Idaho earlier that summer, buy a 30-rack of whatever was cheapest (usually Keystone Light), and return to our apartment where we would listen to The Band's "The Night They Drove Old Dixie Down" on repeat until we finished the 30-rack or all passed out (whichever came first).  Weekend nights were very similar, except we would listen to "The Night They Drove Old Dixie Down" on repeat before going to a house party where we would all unsuccessfully hit on girls, and then return home to finish whatever alcohol we had in our fridge/cabinets or all pass out (whichever came first).

But this was before we discovered you, Regina.  "The Night They Drove Old Dixie Down" is undoubtedly a great song, but is also depressing as shit. Unbeknownst to us, it was that song that was bring us down.  One day, though, I got home from a Tuesday night screening of Robert Altman's Nashville (tagline: "The damndest thing you ever saw") for a course on post-studio system Hollywood, and Roommate #1--incredibly excited--gestured me over next to him on the couch and said, "Watch this!"

This, for those of you too lazy to click the link, was the music video for Regina Spektor's "Fidelity."  It's a gorgeous story about how a girl (Ms Spektor, assumedly) used to never give herself up fully in relationships and also was never truly happy, and only became happy when she invested herself completely in her love.  It's shot in color but the set and costumes are almost entirely black and white--until her love interest shows up.  The video ends with her and the (quite attractive) man having an almost-snowball fight--except instead of snowballs they're throwing handfuls of brightly-colored chalk at each other.  It's kinda like Holi, the Hindi holiday, and it's absolutely adorable.

Anyway, we watched this video tens of times over the remaining couple months of the semester, and listened to the song an exponential amount more.  "Fidelity," along with several cuts by Hot Chip, Girl Talk, and Journey's "Don't Stop Believing," turned our semester around.  We all got way less sad, passed all of our classes (which was really in doubt for Roommate #1 for a while), and even started hitting on girls with a little bit more success.

So, what I'm saying here, Regina, is that I really think you get me.  And I really think I get you.  And, on the basis of this, I bet if we took the time to get to know each other, we would get along really well.  So, Ms Spektor, would you do me the honor of going on a date with me?  There are a few really good barbecue places in my town, and you strike me as the type of girl who really appreciates a good brisket (I'm pretty much a  vegetarian, but a lot of the good BBQ places around here have some really good veggie sides--black beans, mac and cheese, fried okra, and whatnot), so we would probably go to one of them.  So, if you're down, go ahead and drop me a line at dudeyoushoulddate@gmail.com.

Sincerely,
A Dude You Should Date

Well, Mila Kunis, We Had A Good (Lack Of A) Run, There

Dear Mila Kunis,
I see how it is--have just one Hollywood superstar call you "hot lips" during the Golden Globes and you decide you're too big a deal to go on a date with a rank-and-file fan.  But that's fine.  While you have to slog away by going to the office every day "voice acting" gigs (because nobody wants to see your ugly mug) for shows that I've never heard of (Family Guy?  Sounds lame) I'm living the dream--two roommates, two jobs, and the sock puppet of love to keep me company at night.  That's right.  I.  Don't.  Need.  You.

So go ahead, keep thinking you're better than me, keep thinking that Macaulay Culkin wasn't as good as it's going to get, keep thinking that brighter days are right around the corner.  But I know, and you will eventually discover, that some day--some day when you're old and alone with just your millions upon millions of dollars and incredible good looks to keep you company--that this is a missed chance for you.  Because it's not every day you get offered the chance to go on a date with a neurotic, insecure Jew who, if the night goes well, might see if you're interested in letting him stick his small, erratically-performing penis inside you.  After all, Woody Allen can't have long for this earth.  And since you've already closed this door that might just be the only opportunity you have left.

So have a nice life, hot lips.

Sincerely,
A Dude You Should Date

Reason #10 Why You Should Go On A Date With Me, Mila Kunis

Reason 10: I made an omelette for breakfast this morning.  You know how when you make omelettes they usually fall apart when you flip them and you end up with a scramble instead?  Well mine didn't.  No big deal.

Reason #9 Why You Should Go On A Date With Me, Mila Kunis

Reason 9: Predictability is important, and I'm highly predictable.  You will always be able to count on my behavior being erratic.  And usually offensive, too (as I'm sure you can tell, because, you know, I have this blog).

Reasons #7 And #8 Why You Should Go On A Date With Me, Mila Kunis

Reason #7: I have impeccable taste in music.  For example, I am 100% guaranteed to like any song that has handclaps, gunshots, or children singing the chorus.

Reason #8: I ponder life's big questions.  Just today I spent several hours pondering whether we are in the golden age of "(Female's Name) and the (Nouns)" band names (Grace Potter and the Nocturnals and Florence and the Machine!), and an additional while wondering if I were a musical instrument which one I would be (results inconclusive).

Reasons #5 And #6 Why You Should Go On A Date With Me, Mila Kunis

Reason #5: You recently revealed that for many years you were blind in one eye due to a chronic case of iritis.  My friends will all tell you I have been blinded for many years by a chronic case of "I'mrightis."

Reason #6: I like bad puns (see above).

Reasons #2-4 Why You Should Go On A Date With Me, Mila Kunis

iReason #2: We both know how to have a good time:  When asked by Australia's The Daily Telegraph what your perfect day would be, you responded, "It would be going for a swim, lazing around the house, playing with my dogs, drinking a root beer float, catching up on TiVo, having some food, a glass of wine and calling it a night."  And I frequently spend free evenings writing this blog (woo-hoo!).

Reason #3: We're both huge dorks: you play World of Warcraft.  And I write this blog.

Reason #4: We have similar maturity levels.  In 2008 you told FoxNews that your "brain mentality is the same as a 12-year-old little boy."  As is mine, as I'm sure you can tell, since I write this blog.

Reason #1 Why You Should Go On A Date With Me, Mila Kunis

Reason #1: We both had difficult childhoods.  You moved from Russia to Los Angeles, enrolled in the second grade without knowing a word of English, and "came home and cried everyday."  I grew up in a rural New England town, was enrolled in a special multi-age classroom with three teachers including a state teacher of the year finalist, and didn't even have basic cable until I was 9.

Update: Rejected By Gabriele Anderson

GabrieleAnde Gabriele Anderson

@DudeUShouldDate i am flattered, really, but i generally do not accept dates with anonymous men. i prefer dudes in real life!

6 Jan Favorite Retweet Reply

Breakout Hollywood Star Mila Kunis: Will You Go On A Date With Me?

Dear Mila Kunis,
I saw Black Swan the other week and thought your performance was great.  Especially the part where you accused Natalie Portman of having a "lezzie fantasy" about you, and then asked her if you were any good.  It was pretty much the most adorable thing that anyone has ever said that has given me a hard-on.

So, after I saw that Black Swan, I kinda developed a little (read: large-to-quite-large) crush on you.  It's important to note that this crush, while certainly silly and quixotic, is also authentic and deep, and exists entirely independently of the fact that I associate you with that heartbreaking wench of a co-star of yours, Natalie Portman, who you hardcore smooched (and then some!) in the aforementioned film.  (And, not that I'm being intrusively or creepily harping on this, or anything--and this question is not to in any way to diminish how authentic and deep my crush on you is--but kissing Natalie had to have been pretty awesome, right?)

So, anyway, Mila (is it okay if I call you Mila?), I think we should go out--wanna go on a date with me some time?  I know a couple places I think you would like, and, girl, you know I'll treat you right.  So whaddaya say?  Holler back some time, then we'll figure out the details of the first night of the rest of your life.

Best regards,
A Dude you Should Date

Well, Gabriele Anderson, I Guess This Is Goodbye

Dear Gabriele Anderson,
That's cool.  I can take a hint.  Like how you haven't emailed.  Or how you never retweeted any of my tweets followed by an LOL, ROTFLOL, LMFAO, or even just a WTF?!?!?.  Or (perhaps more tellingly) like how you haven't taken me up on my offer and actually said you would go on a date with me (yet?), or how you haven't really even acknowledged my existence at all.

Of course, I can take solace in the fact that the reason you haven't accepted my offer is probably that you don't know I exist. I mean, as of this writing, I only have 15 Twitter followers, of whom about, oh, 13 (or so) are some kind of bot or at least generate their "following" list algorithmically. And there hasn't been even a single comment on this blog.  So as far as I know I basically shouted this "ask out" into the void (wait--that's how I chose to try to console myself?  Wow . . .), which  means you didn't really reject me so much as just not hear me, right?  Right . . . ?

So, like I said, I can take a hint.  I mean, if after all this time--and all these highly compelling reasons why you should go on a date with me--you still aren't interested, I guess it's time to take a deep breath, cut my losses, lick my wounds, and just move on.  So that's what I'm gonna do (although Gabby--it's cool if I call you Gabby, right?--baby--and it's cool if I call you baby, too, right?--if you ever change your mind, my email address is at the top of the blog).

Sincerely,
A Dude You Should Date

Reason #10 Why You Should Go On A Date With Me, Gabriele Anderson

Reason #10: We have a shared interest in service and civic duty, which you have acted upon by pursuing a Master's degree in Public Policy and I have acted upon by only forgetting to send in my absentee ballot once.

Reason #9 Why You Should Go On A Date With Me, Gabriele Anderson

Reason #9: I know the best coffee shop in my city (in fact, I'm there right now).  I could take you there, and I bet we would have a good time.

Reasons #7 And #8 Why You Should Go On A Date With Me, Gabriele Anderson

Reason #7: I once went as Winnie the Pooh for Halloween.  When I was 20.

Reason #8: I have amazing self-control.  On at least two or three occasions I can think of I didn't eat the last slice of pizza in the box even though I really wanted to.